FAQ

How do you know when a relationship is too difficult (and you should get out)?   


Contrary to conventional wisdom, not all relationships can be saved. Relationships can only take a certain amount of neglect and abuse before they are too smashed to repair. One way to know if you’ve reached the end-of-the-line is if you are finding yourself doing all the work-- all the romancing, all the chasing – so that it feels like you might as well be having a relationship with yourself!    If your relationship has become physically dangerous for you, if he is abusive or violent, then it is imperative that you take steps to get out. Beyond that, you need to honestly ask yourself if your partner is acting toward you in a scornful and disapproving way? Does he constantly and irrationally criticize everything you do?  Does he absolutely refuse to talk about the problems in the relationship, and when you do bring them up, does he go on the defensive? These are the four warning signals you’re your relationship has gone beyond the point of no return.      


What’s the # 1 thing couples don’t do but should?  


Communicate in a way that gets you completely understood. Men can be pretty adept at talking about themselves and saying what’s on their mind, but are you really listening to your guy? Many women believe that they are good listeners just because they aren’t the ones doing the talking.  The trick is to learn how to be an “active listener.” This means asking him questions about what he is saying, probing a bit, taking an interest in knowing more. In short, by taking the time each day to focus on your guy exclusively to make him feel like he is the one and only in your life, something quite unexpected will happen: he’ll feel comfortable enough to be able to open himself up and listen to you – really listen in a sharing way– to your experiences, feelings, and ideas. You’ll be surprised how intimacy blossoms when you take the time to truly focus on the man in your life in a genuine and sincere fashion.       


Why are guys such tools (or is it us, too)?  


Simply stated, a Tool is as a Tool does, and toolish behavior can be exhibited by anyone – male or female -- who indulges in excessive posturing, constant self-promotion, and is obstinately self-centered.  Underneath all the swagger and flamboyant self-assurance is often a person who is compensating for feelings of low self-esteem, insecurity and a fear of intimacy. It’s just a last ditch effort to boost their fragile ego. But guys usually have more of a problem with intimacy and will act toolishly to avoid it.  To see what I mean, next time an event associated with intimacy approaches, like a birthday or anniversary, make a mental note to watch how he acts. Does he inadvertently make conflicting plans? Is he late? Does he bring along his best friend or a family member? All his bravado is really just protective armor so that no one will discover the loser he secretly believes himself to be.  Once you learn to recognize the signs and understand why your Tool is the way he is, you possess the key to unlocking a profound change in his behavior, transforming him from a perfect tool to a perfect partner.    


Why do guys worry so much about losing their individuality?   


To understand why guys get so freaked about perceived threats to their individuality is to simply swap the word ‘individuality’ with ‘manhood.’  The origin of this confusion goes back to childhood because young boys have to expend a lot of psychic energy breaking away from their mother’s affections so they can successfully inhabit their identity as a man.  Being close to a woman can get mixed up in their minds with feelings of losing their masculinity. That’s why one of the keys to greater intimacy is to discover how to create an environment that permits your guy to be soft while at the same time being strong, to be intimate while at the same time self-assured in his masculinity. Even the most toolish of guys can be encouraged to express caring emotions and greater depths of intimacy if their partners know how to create an emotional zone of safety, which can often be as simple as giving him greater independence and freedom in the relationship.  As you let out the leash, so he will feel the slack, turn around and come looking for you.