Break the Sexual Stalemate - (from Retool your Relationship)
The first step to end your sexual stalemate is to take control. It’s an all-too-familiar standoff: you need intimacy for sex, and he needs sex for intimacy. In a sense, each of you wants the same thing, but because you are a woman and he is a man, each of you goes about getting it in ways that are ingrained in the psyche of your gender. You need more involvement, verbal reassurance, and tangible contact prior to having sex, while he needs sex before he can let down his guard and demonstrate his tender side.
Give and You’ll Get
There are other important differences between how men and women function psychologically, as well as biologically, that need to be addressed, and I’ll discuss them shortly. But right now, I want you to be aware that he probably wants to feel close and intimate (just as much as you do!), but his way of achieving it is through the physical act of sex. Although you may believe that withholding sex is a way to exert your power, by withholding sex you are actually working against yourself. By misapplying your sexual power in this way, you are in reality denying him the only pathway he has available to fulfill your needs for intimacy. This session will show you how to use your sexual power to achieve the intimacy you want by controlling your sexual currency. And, yes, you will be training him as well, so that he gives you the pleasure you’ve been missing.
It’s All about Chemistry
In order to have great sex, you’ll need a basic understanding of how men and women experience sex differently. Gender plays a huge role in the biology, as well as in the psychology, of sex. Research tells us that men generally have a higher sex drive. It’s a bit more complicated than the idea that men are simply horny all of the time and will take any and every opportunity to get off. That’s because testosterone is the hormone that’s largely responsible for a person’s sex drive, and typically, a man has twenty to forty times more of it coursing through his body than an average woman does. A women’s testosterone level (and other sex-enhancing hormones and hence her sex drive) fluctuates on a monthly basis, being dramatically affected by her monthly period, as well as by having children. A man’s testosterone level, on the other hand, stays pretty much the same throughout his adult life.
Another difference between the sexes is the way a man and a woman express their sex drive. Typically, men tend to behave more assertively than women when it comes to sex. Women are much more complex. Their sex drive is influenced not only by testosterone but also by the female hormone estrogen. Unlike the “assertive” inclinations generated by testosterone, estrogen is more “receptive.” There is a huge distinction between being passive and being receptive. High levels of estrogen enable women to be more approachable, open, friendly, sympathetic, and seductive—qualities that translate quite nicely and naturally into the bedroom. For men, sex can be just sex, while a woman may also want to use sex as a way to express intimacy or to please her partner.
In the early days of a relationship, both men and women tend to have much higher sex drives. Evolutionary psychologists suggest that this is important because nature dictates that one of our most primal instincts is the need to reproduce, so that the species has the best possible chance of survival. It’s called “pair bonding,” but over time the sex drive falls off—particularly for women. The result is that both men and women find themselves confused. Men feel betrayed and rejected by their former “sex-kitten” partners and are afraid that their partners’ declining desire for sex means that there is a problem in the relationship. Women wonder whether their diminishing sex drive means that they don’t love their partners as much as they used to. Yet in reality, these changes in desire are simply the natural course of events in any couple’s relationship.