Trina Dolenz

Trina Dolenz

Thursday, September 23, 2010


How do you know when a relationship is too difficult (and you should get out)?   

Contrary to conventional wisdom, not all relationships can be saved. Relationships can only take a certain amount of neglect and abuse before they are too smashed to repair. One way to know if you’ve reached the end-of-the-line is if you are finding yourself doing all the work-- all the romancing, all the chasing – so that it feels like you might as well be having a relationship with yourself!    If your relationship has become physically dangerous for you, if he is abusive or violent, then it is imperative that you take steps to get out. Beyond that, you need to honestly ask yourself if your partner is acting toward you in a scornful and disapproving way? Does he constantly and irrationally criticize everything you do?  Does he absolutely refuse to talk about the problems in the relationship, and when you do bring them up, does he go on the defensive? These are the four warning signals you’re your relationship has gone beyond the point of no return.      

What’s the # 1 thing couples don’t do but should?  

Communicate in a way that gets you completely understood. Men can be pretty adept at talking about themselves and saying what’s on their mind, but are you really listening to your guy? Many women believe that they are good listeners just because they aren’t the ones doing the talking.  The trick is to learn how to be an “active listener.” This means asking him questions about what he is saying, probing a bit, taking an interest in knowing more. In short, by taking the time each day to focus on your guy exclusively to make him feel like he is the one and only in your life, something quite unexpected will happen: he’ll feel comfortable enough to be able to open himself up and listen to you – really listen in a sharing way– to your experiences, feelings, and ideas. You’ll be surprised how intimacy blossoms when you take the time to truly focus on the man in your life in a genuine and sincere fashion.       

Why are guys such tools (or is it us, too)?  

Simply stated, a Tool is as a Tool does, and toolish behavior can be exhibited by anyone – male or female -- who indulges in excessive posturing, constant self-promotion, and is obstinately self-centered.  Underneath all the swagger and flamboyant self-assurance is often a person who is compensating for feelings of low self-esteem, insecurity and a fear of intimacy. It’s just a last ditch effort to boost their fragile ego. But guys usually have more of a problem with intimacy and will act toolishly to avoid it.  To see what I mean, next time an event associated with intimacy approaches, like a birthday or anniversary, make a mental note to watch how he acts. Does he inadvertently make conflicting plans? Is he late? Does he bring along his best friend or a family member? All his bravado is really just protective armor so that no one will discover the loser he secretly believes himself to be.  Once you learn to recognize the signs and understand why your Tool is the way he is, you possess the key to unlocking a profound change in his behavior, transforming him from a perfect tool to a perfect partner.    

Why do guys worry so much about losing their individuality?   

To understand why guys get so freaked about perceived threats to their individuality is to simply swap the word ‘individuality’ with ‘manhood.’  The origin of this confusion goes back to childhood because young boys have to expend a lot of psychic energy breaking away from their mother’s affections so they can successfully inhabit their identity as a man.  Being close to a woman can get mixed up in their minds with feelings of losing their masculinity. That’s why one of the keys to greater intimacy is to discover how to create an environment that permits your guy to be soft while at the same time being strong, to be intimate while at the same time self-assured in his masculinity. Even the most toolish of guys can be encouraged to express caring emotions and greater depths of intimacy if their partners know how to create an emotional zone of safety, which can often be as simple as giving him greater independence and freedom in the relationship.  As you let out the leash, so he will feel the slack, turn around and come looking for you.  

Monday, September 20, 2010

Trina's Top Tips

1. How to depressurize sex?
If sex is a chore, or almost off the menu, or your guy wants it all the time…..then…
Negotiate a date and time with him when you will have sex, but only one time per week.
Tell him you will have sex at the agreed time but tell him he can’t have it any other time that week. He will back off pestering, if that’s what he is doing, safe in the knowledge he will definitely be getting it, and you can have a breather the rest of the week when you can enjoy his touching being sexy, knowing it’s not going anywhere.

2. How to spice up your sex life?
Less is more. To get you feeling like you really want him again and vice versa, tell him you’ll be his slave for a night. You will stroke him, massage him, kiss and tickle him, but erogenous zones are out of bounds…..and absolutely NO SEX!!
You will be SHOWING him how YOU would like to be touched and you'll get excitement back into your sex…… I am quite sure he will want to swap roles after you have teased him like this....shown him how to take his time.

3. How to tell if your guy is cheating?
If you ask the question, then more often than not he is! YOU KNOW! You can sense it. When there is a secret in a relationship it can be felt, so pull up your antennae and believe what your body is telling you.
If his behaviour is inappropriate, disproportunate or unrelated to what’s actually going on, then he is probably keeping a secret.
If he changes the way he looks, dresses, his habits, without talking about it with you…these are all tell tale signs.

4. How to keep your Tool faithful?
I know you may think that it would be all about beating the competition and it’s tough when temptation is everywhere….but let me tell you that you will keep him to yourself if you just LISTEN to him, ACT INTERESTED in what he has to say…..and maybe ACT will be what you have to do……..listening to his boring day, stuff you have heard over and over again, …..”Oh really darling? Is that so? How right you are…tell me more! OMG fascinating?? Say that again…” Listening to him gives him all the intimacy, security and the self esteem he needs from you, rather than allowing him look for it elsewhere.  Infidelity is rarely about sex!

5. How to get over his cheating?
If you are trying to get over him cheating then you must rant and rave for quite some time….and directly at him!
Set up a half hour per week, where you will have his undivided attention and let rip…..ask questions, all the gory details, call him/her names…..get it off your chest! In return, you must agree that the cheating will not be brought up by either of you at any other time in the week. This way you can work through your hurt feelings, yet give the relationship a chance to heal.

6. How to make your guy drop his awful habits?
If there some things you absolutely loathe, that your guy does constantly, then try doing them yourself….
If he’s always late…. you be late.
He drinks too much……you overdo it the next few times you are out together.
He never makes a meal……….you stop cooking.
Nagging doesn’t work! This will!
You‘ll only have to do it a few times for him to 'get it' and change his ways.