What are the warning signs of an abuser?

The warning signs listed below should make you wary but rather than focusing on single acts, look for patterns of behaviour that show control, restriction and disrespect. No-one should be frightened of their partner or prevented from making choices about their life.

Remember also that abusers are often very charming and convincing to everyone - including their partners, until the abuse starts - and then they often continue to be very charming to everyone else except their partner.

This often has the effect of making their partner think 'oh it must be me, it must be my fault', especially since the abuser is usually telling them it is. It can also make them feel awkward about telling other people because they won't seem plausible because they only know their 'nice' side.

The single biggest warning sign is:

• If they've been in a violent relationship before. Abusive people rarely change.

• Don't make the mistake of thinking 'it will be different with me - they didn't treat them right'. It's also worth remembering that almost without exception, every abuser claims that they were really the victim.

Other possible warning signs are:

• They put your friends down and / or make it difficult for you to see them.

• They lose their temper over trivial things.

• They have very rigid ideas about the roles of men and women and can't / won't discuss it reasonably.

• Their mood swings are so erratic that you find yourself constantly trying to assess their mood and only think in terms of their needs. A healthy relationship has give and take.

• It's difficult for you to get emotional or physical space away from them - even if you directly ask for it. And if you do get it, they 'grill' you about where you've been and who you were with.

• They criticise you all the time - about your weight, your hair, your clothes, etc.

• They make all the decisions in your relationship and ignore your needs or dismisses them as unimportant.

If after reading this you think that you are, or might be, in an abusive relationship, this is a number and organisation to call:-

1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
ANONYMOUS & CONFIDENTIAL HELP 24/7

                                    http://www.ndvh.org/