Ways to make peace

The next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, keep in mind the following tips....

Abnormal behaviour

It's important to accept that arguments are a normal part of relationships. We're all different and where there's difference, there will be disagreement. But when arguing seems to be a way of life and leaves you feeling exhausted, hurt or wondering if you want to stay in the relationship, it's time to call a truce and sort things out.

The first step towards doing this is to understand what you're really arguing about and get an insight into your conflict style. After you've looked at both these areas, you can use some of the techniques below to help you sort things out. Some can be done alone; others need your partner's cooperation.

If there's violence

Violence or threats of violence are never acceptable in a relationship. If arguments are always aggressive, or you avoid conflict because you're scared things may get out of control, you need support. 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) http://www.ndvh.org/

Be self-aware

Self-awareness and self-responsibility are the first steps in sorting out and avoiding conflict. It's impossible to make your partner change, but if you change your behaviour they'll almost certainly react differently.

Assume the best - unless you have evidence to the contrary, always give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

Check your conscience - are you arguing because there's something you're avoiding, such as apologising, compromising or forgiving? Make sure you're not fighting to protect your pride.

Think about whether you're being affected by something else - don't underestimate the power of external circumstances. Are you stressed, tired, hormonal or angry about something else?

Be adult - do you tend to slip into behaving like a child, sulking, blaming or being obstinate? Or do you become like a critical parent, condescending, criticising or punishing? An adult is calm and focused, and listens and negotiates.

Own your feelings - your partner can't make you feel something. Your feelings are under your own control. If you're angry, say "I'm angry because...", not "You made me angry."

Improve communication

Good communication is vital to making peace. Often arguments go on and on, just because one or both parties feel they haven't been heard.

The tips below will improve your chances of being heard and help you show your partner that you're listening to them.

Listen - this is the most important part of good communication. Listen to your partner, without judging or making assumptions. 

Explore - ask questions to make sure you really understand what your partner is saying. Be willing to look at every angle.

Explain - this is the other side of exploring. Be ready to give as much information as your partner needs to understand your point of view. Don't expect them to read your mind.

Empathise - put yourself in your partner's shoes. Feel what they're feeling and let them know you've taken notice, eg "I understand that you're feeling upset."

Express - say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear and to the point.

Laugh - this may seem a strange thing to put in an argument, but sensitive use of humour can be a powerful way to diffuse an argument. If there's a lighter side, use it.

Manage your anger

This is vital: anger can be a positive emotion that helps us get our needs met, but if anger gets out of control it blocks any chances of reaching an agreement. It's impossible to have a proper discussion with someone who has lost their temper. If either of you feels very angry, stop your discussion or the row will almost certainly get worse.

Joint techniques

The best peacemaking tactics are ones you've agreed on beforehand.

Big Brother - pretend your argument is being observed by someone who's opinion you value. You'll be amazed at how polite and reasonable you'll both become.

Use code words - agree a word to use when either of you feels it's getting too emotional or you're just going round in circles. Then take some time out before you start again.

Agree to disagree - sometimes it's simpler. Not all battles need a winner and a loser.

Argue productively - print out the productive arguing guidelines. Put them somewhere you can see them and both try to stick to them.

Take turns - if you don't feel you're getting equal air-time, agree to take turns. Use a watch to time alternate five to ten minute slots until your communication has improved.

Further help

If you have concerns about your relationship, try talking it through with your partner or a trusted friend, or you might want to consider seeing a relationships counsellor. 

www.family-marriage-counseling.com

www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com

www.aamft.org