The top 5 reasons people come to Sex Therapy

 
One in four of us are dissatisfied by our sex lives. Yet there’s still a big stigma about going to Sex Therapy. Many people find the idea of speaking to a complete stranger about sex to be embarrassing. Some think that they should be able to sort out any problems they’re having by themselves.
But Sex Therapy actually has a very high satisfaction rate. People are often surprised by how effective it is. If you think you might benefit from Sex Therapy, why not come in for an initial consultation? Your counselor will talk you through what it involves and how it can help. Here are some of the most common reasons that people come in for.

"I’ve gone off it"

This is by far the most common issue that people attend Sex Therapy to address. When we ‘go off’ sex with someone we enjoyed it with in the past, it can be mystifying, confusing and very unsettling.
Discovering when things changed is often the first stage of recovery. Then we can start to uncover why. Many life events can impact our sexual lives and responses - moving in together, losing a job, having a baby, grieving – the list is long.
A sex therapist can help you work together to find out what will help you in approaching issues, taking time to understand what is happening for you. You will create a way forward that feels comfortable or maybe even exciting. This process may take a while but it’s important to stick with it - nurturing a long term fulfilling sexual relationship is something that happens over time.

"I can’t come"

Both individuals and couples, men and women, may experience this. It may be that you have never experienced an orgasm - or that you can’t any more.
Sex doesn’t have to end with climax, but if you do want this to happen, anxiety about getting it ‘right’, feeling angry or upset or not being sure any more about what works sexually for you can all contribute towards difficulty.
A sex therapist can help you to discover or rediscover what works for you through designing a series of tasks to do at home and helping you to talk openly with your partner - to communicate what works and what doesn’t.

Painful sex

It may be that, for a woman, intercourse simply hurts. In some cases, this can make it very difficult or even impossible to have penetrative sex.
Having the chance to just talk about the issue may in itself bring some relief. Your sex therapist will help you to explore your reactions to sex and get a more thorough understanding of your sense of pleasure and pain. They may also talk to you about opportunities for medical checks to rule out any physical cause.

"I can’t get (or keep) it up"

This is a very common problem for men – and something that most will experience at some point during their lives. An inability to get or maintain an erection can result from illness, surgery or trauma - or it may have been something you’ve always had problems with. Often just the anxiety of ‘will it work this time’ can make things worse.
Sex Therapy can be very helpful in revealing the best approach to address this problem. This can happen in combination with prescribed medication, or it may be that that the process of talking things through is enough to help things begin to change.

"I come too soon"

Once in a while, this may not be a big problem, but if it continues regularly it can make it difficult to maintain a satisfying sex life.
Coming too soon is something that lots of people worry about and can sometimes be caused by feeling anxious or not feeling fully focused on what's going on. The good news is that Sex Therapy can really help by taking you through a series of tasks and exercises that help you take back control and last longer.

Communication Tips

One of the most common objectives couples share when they come to me for counseling is to improve their communication.
When communication breaks down it can feel frustrating and painful. I have noticed at these times it’s mostly the 'feeling heard' part of communication that is going wrong. Over time this can become really destructive to your relationship, so here's my top three communication tips that you can try for yourselves at home.

1. Use ‘I feel…’ statements

I feel sad/ angry/ happy/ lonely/ upset…when you…what can we do about it?
Using ‘I feel’ statements, rather than ‘you…’ is taking ownership of your feelings rather than attacking, criticizing or blaming your partner.
For example: ‘I feel lonely when you come home and go straight on your computer.’
Rather than: ‘You never spend any time with me, all you do is sit there and stare at your stupid computer!’ 
A statement that starts with ‘I feel’ is easier for your partner to hear as they are not immediately on the defence. If they are able to remain open to what you are expressing, you can then follow this up with a request that would address this for you such as:
‘When you get home, could we spend a bit of time together before you go on your computer so we can catch up and tell each other about our day?’

2. Take turns

Sometimes in my sessions, I interrupt arguing clients by getting up from my seat, picking up the tissue box, and putting it into one person’s hands.
I recognize that without context this sounds like totally bizarre behavior. It would certainly work to confuse and disrupt a fight if you didn’t know what had been previously agreed about this moment.
Some couples can quickly get caught up in escalating conflict. If I have noticed this, I would draw attention to it and ask the couple for their ideas, or permission to help stop and refocus the discussion.
One rule we sometimes set up is that whoever is holding the tissue box gets to speak and the other listens without interrupting them. This helps to calm the conversation down and keeps them from talking all over each other.
At home you could try the same thing. You could use any agreed object like a bunch of keys, an ornament, a pillow - use your imagination.
When you are holding the object it’s your turn to speak and when you have finished, you pass the object back to your partner who then takes their turn. This helps to create a safe space for you to speak and listen to each other.

3. Make time to talk and listen

If you have problems talking to your partner about certain subject matters without the conversation becoming heated, upsetting, or emotionally charged, here is an exercise you can try to provide some structure to your discussion. The focus of this exercise is for you to feel heard and connected and to find a solution together.
You can incorporate tips 1 and 2 above here, where you use ‘I feel’ statements and having an object that you hold to indicate it is your turn to speak.
Person A: Speak for 1 minute (use ‘I feel…’ statements)
Try to maintain eye contact or even hold hands if that feels comfortable enough. It will help you remain connected and in touch with each other.
Person B: ‘I heard you say…’
Person B then reflects back exactly what they heard Person A say. This is not an opportunity to reply or respond yet. The objective here is for person A to know that they have been heard.
Person B: ‘What was the most important thing that you want me to hear?’
Person B then gives person A the chance to clarify their thoughts and feelings, which in turn gives person B a chance to really understand what person A is trying to communicate.
Person B: ‘Why?’
By asking why, Person B demonstrates respect and the desire to understand what person A is saying without judging, reacting, defending or blaming. Person A then feels heard, understood, cared for and connected to person B.
Person B: ‘What can we do about it?’
It's now problem-solving time. By asking what can we do, Person B is being collaborative and shows person A ‘we are in this together.’ Person A feels connected to person B and not so alone with their feelings. Each of you can now take turns to make suggestions about how to negotiate the issue together.
After this you can swap over and then Person B speaks with person A going through the reflection and questions in the same way.
Put a limit on the problem solving time, if you don't come up with a solution within ten minutes, leave it and take some time to think about it separately. Agree a time where you can revisit the issue, perhaps the next day. Then go and do something fun together.

Change comes with time

As you learn to change your communication patterns over time this will start to become more natural and normal to the way you interact. In turn this will reduce the misunderstandings and offences between you as you work towards a stronger, healthier relationship.

4 Communication Habits to Avoid in your Relationship

A post taken from Relate.org.uk blog.....

It's all too easy to pick up negative communication habits when it comes to relationships. Who can say they've never raised their voice in an argument? Or unfairly accused their partner of something? Or even refused to engage in a discussion at all?
The thing is, if we're not careful, these kinds of behaviors can create real difficulties. They can turn small problems into big ones, cultivate simmering, long term resentments and ultimately make it trickier to resolve things when a real crisis comes along.
It's only by paying close attention to how well we're communicating with our partner that we can nip stuff like this in the bud. Here's my list of four of the most common negative communication habits and how to avoid them.

Freezing them out
We've all been there. Our partner comes into the room, sees we're in a bad mood and asks us what's wrong. And what do we say? 'Nothing.'
For some reason, many of us have a tendency to assume our partner should be able to know exactly what we're thinking without us telling them. It's as if we're testing them - asking them to prove they know us well enough to diagnose our feelings without any kind of verbal cue.
In reality, all this does is leave everybody feeling put out. The person being given the silent treatment feels like they're being put in an unreasonable position and may become defensive. And the person giving it only makes their bad mood worse, convincing themselves that their partner has failed to rise to the test.
If there's an issue that needs to be resolved, talking is always better than saying nothing. Be brave and be forthright: if it's something that's actually important to you, then repressing your concerns will only cause problems further down the line.

Failing to take responsibility
When you're annoyed with your partner, it can be tempting to act as if everything is their fault. We don't like to acknowledge that every disagreement has two sides to it - and it can be difficult to accept that there may be whole lot of stuff we could be doing to make things easier.
But you're much likely to be able to resolve problems if you take responsibility for your part in them.
If you find yourself phrasing concerns in terms of what your partner could be doing differently, saying things like 'you always' or 'you never', stop - and try using 'I' words instead: 'I feel', 'I would like' and so on. This will help you focus on your own feelings - and communicate to your partner that you're willing to see both sides of the discussion.

Not controlling your emotions
It's no surprise that many of us lose our temper talking things over with our partner. It can be scary to think about what will happen if we disagree on something really important. Overstating our case can sometimes feel safer than actually opening up a dialogue.
But shouting or using aggressive language won't help your partner to understand you any better. In fact, the opposite is much more likely the case.
It's much better to try to control how we express ourselves. Be careful not to raise your voice if your can help it, and watch out for using negative or aggressive body language. Things tend to go a lot better if both parties feel they're being listened to - not attacked.

Not picking your battles
Is what you're arguing about actually something that's important to you? If you find yourself fighting over every little thing, your relationship may end up becoming a seething battleground of defensive behavior - and your partner will struggle to take you seriously when it comes to something you actually feel strongly about.
Learning to let go of the little things can be as important as learning how to talk about the big ones. If it's something that, really, isn't really that big of a deal, try to give your partner a little bit of leeway. After all, there's probably a lot of stuff you do that annoys them too!

Putting it into practice
In this video our counselor Graham helps Tom and Sinead to use some of these tips so they can work together and talk properly.

Find out more
Are you finding it hard to communicate with your partner? Contact Trina@couplecounselingdc.com

5 lies to stop telling yourself about your relationship

There are things people believe about relationships that are simply not true and don't help us to have healthy happy relationships. I call these relationship myths.
In this post, I'm going to be 'busting' the top 5 relationship myths that I regularly hear couples bring into the counseling room.

1. 'Relationships should be easy' or 'It shouldn't be this hard'

Really? Where did this idea come from? If we think this is true, every time an issue comes up to test or challenge us, we will hit a wall. Believing this will set you up to fail.
The fact is, sometimes relationships and human experiences are complicated, painful and difficult, but similarly the feelings of love and connection are also so amazing that it makes the tough times worth working through. It's the hardships that make you stronger and help you grow both as a couple and as individuals.
If you do feel like you've reached a standstill on an issue talking to a therapist can give you both the space you need to discuss any concerns that you have.

2. 'We should be able to work this out on our own'

I often meet people who come into the counseling room with a resistance to the concept of needing therapy. They believe that if they are meant to be together, they should be able to work it out on their own without the need for any external help.
This is a frustrating place to start from. I mean, if you didn't learn at home from your family, get taught at school, or just magically happen to be good at relationships, then how on earth are you supposed to just know?
It's quite an expectation to have of yourself and your partner, when relationships, emotions and human beings are such complex, magnificent things. Relationships are a work in progress and a skill, just like everything else in life, you need to learn and practice and sometimes a little help is all you need.

3. 'Arguing is bad'

All couples argue; it's a normal, healthy part of being in a relationship and I'd be more worried if a couple said they never argued because I'd be thinking, are there issues being bottled up?
It's not necessarily arguing that's bad; it's more to do with the way you argue and resolve conflict that can be bad. If your arguments are very intense and damaging and there's no apology and resolution to them, then arguments can feel very threatening in your relationship.
Relationship Counseling can help you to look at how to communicate more fairly and effectively so arguments are not so scary and bad, but can actually be seen as useful in getting issues resolved.
If you want to learn more about how you and your partner argue try our Arguments Check-up quiz

4. 'We should be having sex all the time'

Some couples worry that they are not having as much sex as they think they should be. When I ask what's going on in their lives, they tell me about young children, work, study, travel, running households etc. and I'm not surprised that sex has dropped off the agenda.
Realistically our sex lives will ebb and flow according to the demands on our energy and time. If you're having loads of sex, everywhere, all the time, in lots of different positions, that's great! But I would say you're in the minority rather than that being the 'norm' for most couples.
At a purely physical level if you're very stressed and tired, all your blood will be rushing away from your genitals and the last thing you will feel like doing is having sex. This may not have anything to do with attraction to your partner or the state of your relationship.
Often it's the worry that you're not having sex that puts pressure on you. If you can talk about the fact that it's actually ok and take the pressure off yourselves, you might find when you relax, that's when the sexual feelings come back.
If you do want to improve your sex life,  Sex Therapy  can help you either create a more fulfilling sex life together, or give you a little kick start in reigniting the passion.

5. 'If they love me, they'll change'

This is often the underlying feeling clients bring into the counseling room. I often see couples in limbo, unable to progress because they are caught in an internal struggle between what they want their partners to be and who they actually are.
Just because somebody loves you, doesn't mean that they can be someone they're not, or give you something they don't have. Even if they want to, it's like asking a cat to be a dog, or a poor person to give you a million pounds.
Saying that, of course there's room to grow and negotiate, but both parties have to be open to doing this for the relationship to work. But what it comes down to is you may have to accept your partner for who they are, or recognise that the relationship is not going to work long term and find someone who does meet your needs and gives you what you want.

How we can can help

I hope exposing these myths will help you think a little clearer next time you start worrying about what's going on in your relationship. That said, if you are concerned about issues in your relationship don't try to deal with it alone, talk to a trained couples therapist.

4 reasons sex is good for you

4 reasons sex is good for you.

Some might say it’s overrated, but why is sex just so important in a romantic relationship? Here are my top four reasons why sex is so great, why we need it, and why it’s good for us and our relationships. So if you’re looking for excuses to get busy, you’ve come to right place!

1. Sex reduces stress Sex provides us with an all-important timeout from the pressures of everyday life and studies have shown that, ‘Increasing warm touch among couples has a beneficial influence on multiple stress-sensitive systems.’ Researchers have found that a night of passion with your loved one can flood the brain with feelgood chemicals that relax the brain, reduces stress levels and even dull pain. So next time you’re feeling cranky, tired and stressed out, instead of just rolling over and going to sleep, try to reach out to your partner and share the benefits of a stress-busting session in bed together.

2. Sex helps us to bond

Here comes the science… Bonding behaviors such as kissing, hugging and touching release a hormone called oxytocin, which is also released when we orgasm. Oxytocin relaxes our natural defensive systems by soothing a part of the brain called the amygdala, which controls our stress responses. The comforting feelings produced by oxytocin help us to feel close to our partners and deepen our bonds with them, keeping us feeling safe, close and connected. In a study on a group of men who were given either a dose of oxytocin or a placebo, researchers found that oxytocin release made it easier for men to act in a positive and loving way towards their sexual partners. Feeling safe and trusting our partner is so important in maintaining a strong relationship and it’s been found that the more frequent and dependable the flow of oxytocin produced, as a result of regular physical contact, the easier it is to sustain a relationship. This links back to a previous post I wrote about connection being more important than communication. If you're flooded with oxytocin your defensiveness will be down and you will feel much more connected and loving towards each other.

3. Sex is unique to your relationship

Relate Sex Therapists will tell you that sex is the one thing that is special and unique to a couple relationship that you don’t experience with anyone else. It allows you to share a level of closeness, vulnerability and intimacy that help you bond and connect in a way that you don’t do in any other relationship in your life. This is the part of your relationship that is exclusively yours and no one else’s.

4. Sex is good for your health

 There have been many studies proving that regular sex can boost your immune system, lower your blood pressure, improve cardiovascular fitness and reduce the risk of heart attack. Having more sex can even be good for your libido, so the more you have, the more you’ll enjoy it! Remember: Sex is more than just intercourse Finally, don’t limit yourself by thinking about sex as just the physical act of intercourse; sex is so much more than that and can be anything you imagine. Stroking, touching, kissing, caressing, cuddling, holding hands or any way that you physically comfort and offer each other pleasure can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life. So get exploring!

Find out more If you’re not completely satisfied with your sex life, I can help. You can call me on 202 657 6919

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

How can an affair be forgiven?

 

It is vital that you both understand the real reasons why it happened. To do this you will have to talk about what had been going on between you in the time leading up to the affair. This can be very painful, but unless you know what went wrong, you won't be able to change things in the future. Be patient. Rebuilding trust that has been broken can take a long time.

What helps to mend a relationship?

• The unfaithful partner must end the affair, once and for all.
• Talk it through. This process may take days, weeks, or longer.
• Don't talk on for hours and hours - you'll just go round in circles.
• Set a time limit, and don't talk when you're tired.
• Agree to also discuss future problems, instead of just hoping they'll go away.
• Make a commitment to a new future together. Both partners must do this, and mean it.
• Find more time for each other, take more interest in each others' lives and feelings.
• Try to sort out sexual problems.
• Consider relationship counselling.

Long-term effects of an affair

Only you can decide what to do in the aftermath of an affair, and whatever you decide will not be easy. Many affairs cause havoc in a relationship that is already dogged with problems. Affairs do sometimes provoke far-reaching changes that eventually strengthen and enhance the relationship. The cost can be very high, however.

An affair can also have destructive effects on your family. Children, in-laws, friends, may all find themselves caught up in events, and perhaps having to take sides. Permanent barriers can be created. Even so, an affair does not always mean the end of your relationship. With hard work, commitment and patience, it may be possible to come through this crisis changed, but also stronger.

The key message is to understand why the affair happened, rather than running away from the reasons. Whether you stay together or part, it is crucial to gather some insights into what went wrong. Do this, and if you remain together you will have a deeper understanding of yourselves. If you part, you will know that you had the courage to face the truth, and will be better prepared for future relationships.

Understanding Your Relationship

Your Couple Fit

 

In some relationships, arguments always seem one sided - with one partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It's possible they both have a problem expressing their feelings, but together they're able to reassure each other that emotions are being managed. Different couples will experience it in different ways, but that inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when you're together is what Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship psychotherapy, called the 'unconscious fit'.

Unconscious fit

All of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details about our life experiences and the marks they've left. It contains information we often haven't acknowledged about our fears and anxieties and our coping mechanisms and defenses.

Each of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person's blueprint. The people we're most attracted to are those who have a blueprint that complements our own. We're looking for similarities of experience but, more significantly, we're also looking for differences.

Opposites attract

The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement our experiences. That might be someone who's the same as us, but most commonly we're looking for someone from whom we can learn; someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own.

The ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar life issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems that our other half is often our best chance of becoming psychologically whole.

Although no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have noticed that there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you recognize any of these?

Master and slave - this couple has a problem with authority and control. One partner may feel very insecure if they're ever subordinate, so they're bossy and take charge of every household circumstance. Their partner, who fears responsibility, dutifully toes the line while smugly comparing what they describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner's control-freak attitude.

Distancer and pursuer - both partners are afraid of intimacy but have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away. Occasionally the chase will swap round.

Idol and worshiper - when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.

There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.

Babes in the wood - you may have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear matching sweaters. They share the same interests and, more importantly, they dislike the same things. They keep anything bad out of their perfect relationship by joining forces against the big, bad world outside.

Cat and dog - on the surface these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone.

You may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As we progress through our relationships, it's not uncommon to slip into a certain pattern of behavior. For example, in a time of illness and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child.

Good or bad chemistry?

All fits serve a psychological purpose designed to protect ourselves from discomfort. Most couples aren't aware of their fit until something happens to change it. We all grow and mature, our needs change and our relationships need to adapt to those changes.

Problems may start when one or both partners feel they are no longer able to communicate their feelings and alter patterns of behavior that are now outdated. If you think that may be happening in your relationship, couple counseling can really help you reconnect,

Email Me Now

5 Myths You Shouldn't Believe About Sex Therapy

Myths about what Sex Therapy is and what happens in the therapy room have been doing the rounds for years. I can't tell you how many times I've had people (friends and family included!) quote them back to me when I tell them what I do for a living.

The sad thing is, these misunderstandings and the anxiety that they cause put people off the idea of even trying Sex Therapy, meaning many miss out on getting the support they need to make their sex lives better. 

So here I'm setting the record straight by busting the most common myths.

Myth 1: "We'll have to have sex in front of the therapist"

The only activity that happens in the therapy room is talking. Sometimes there may be laughter, occasionally tears, but NEVER nudity or sex.

All "tasks" happen outside the therapy room, usually in the comfort of your own home.

Then at your next session you'll be asked to talk about how you got on. This helps your therapist understand what works for you so that you can make the progress you're looking for.

Myth 2: "Sex therapy is only for people who have serious problems with sex"

Any problem is serious if it interferes with how you'd like your sex life to be.

Most people experience sexual difficulties at some time in their lives. That's normal, but if it bothers you, not doing something about it can sometimes make things worse. Sex Therapy gives you a safe space to work through your worries and take positive steps to change things.

Myth 3: "If my partner and I have to go to sex therapy it means our relationship is over"

For most people the opposite is true. Recognizing that your sex life isn't how you'd like it to be and getting help is a really positive step. Taking time out to think about what's going wrong for you or your partner can help prevent difficulties spreading from your sexual life to other parts of the relationship.

Sometimes though, sexual problems are caused by other issues in your relationship. If that is the case, your therapist may suggest some initial work to understand what's going on and how to overcome it before deciding if Sex Therapy is right for you. Sometimes people find that taking time to work on their general relationship means that the sexual problems lessen or disappear completely. Relate Sex Therapists are also trained Relationship Counselors and can help you to decide what kind or relationship support is right for you now.

So by simply booking that first appointment, you're taking a big step forwards in looking after your relationship.

Myth 4: "The therapist will be too embarrassed to deal with the issue I'm having"

Absolutely false! Sex therapists are used to helping people overcome all kinds of sexual problems. You can be certain that whatever the issue you're experiencing we'll have heard it at least a couple of times before!

We understand it takes a great deal of courage to come and talk with a complete stranger about sex but our job is to make you feel comfortable and at ease. You set the pace and you can decide what you do and don't want to talk about. Whatever the issue is you're not alone and most people tell us that breaking the silence and talking things through is really liberating.

Myth 5: "You have to be in a relationship to go to sex therapy"

Anyone can come along to Sex Therapy whether they're in a relationship or not. If you're single, you might still have sexual problems that are troubling you.

Feeling OK sexually is not just about having a partner, so seeking information or practical support from a therapist may help you to feel more confident about being sexual with yourself or with a future partner.

I really hope I've helped calm a few fears about what to expect in Sex Therapy. If you're still a bit unsure if it's the right step for you you could check out my blog or call me get further support and information. 

This is a post from my training and qualifying organization, Relate.org.