Your Couple Fit
In
some relationships, arguments always seem one sided - with one partner
making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It's possible
they both have a problem expressing their feelings, but together
they're able to reassure each other that emotions are being managed.
Different couples will experience it in different ways, but that
inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when you're together is what
Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship psychotherapy, called the
'unconscious fit'.
Unconscious fit
All
of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details about
our life experiences and the marks they've left. It contains information
we often haven't acknowledged about our fears and anxieties and our
coping mechanisms and defenses.
Each
of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person's blueprint.
The people we're most attracted to are those who have a blueprint that
complements our own. We're looking for similarities of experience but,
more significantly, we're also looking for differences.
Opposites attract
The
purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement
our experiences. That might be someone who's the same as us, but most
commonly we're looking for someone from whom we can learn; someone who
has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own.
The
ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar life
issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems that our
other half is often our best chance of becoming psychologically whole.
Although
no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have noticed that
there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you recognize any of
these?
Master and slave -
this couple has a problem with authority and control. One partner may
feel very insecure if they're ever subordinate, so they're bossy and
take charge of every household circumstance. Their partner, who fears
responsibility, dutifully toes the line while smugly comparing what they
describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner's control-freak
attitude.
Distancer and pursuer -
both partners are afraid of intimacy but have found their perfect
match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and
nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away.
Occasionally the chase will swap round.
Idol and worshiper -
when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often
indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison,
both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.
There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.
Babes in the wood -
you may have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear
matching sweaters. They share the same interests and, more importantly,
they dislike the same things. They keep anything bad out of their
perfect relationship by joining forces against the big, bad world
outside.
Cat and dog -
on the surface these partners look as though they should never have
even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy
by living in a war zone.
You
may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As we
progress through our relationships, it's not uncommon to slip into a
certain pattern of behavior. For example, in a time of illness and
vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many
couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child.
Good or bad chemistry?
All
fits serve a psychological purpose designed to protect ourselves from
discomfort. Most couples aren't aware of their fit until something
happens to change it. We all grow and mature, our needs change and our
relationships need to adapt to those changes.
Problems
may start when one or both partners feel they are no longer able to
communicate their feelings and alter patterns of behavior that are now
outdated. If you think that may be happening in your relationship,
couple counseling can really help you reconnect,
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