Communication Tips

One of the most common objectives couples share when they come to me for counseling is to improve their communication.
When communication breaks down it can feel frustrating and painful. I have noticed at these times it’s mostly the 'feeling heard' part of communication that is going wrong. Over time this can become really destructive to your relationship, so here's my top three communication tips that you can try for yourselves at home.

1. Use ‘I feel…’ statements

I feel sad/ angry/ happy/ lonely/ upset…when you…what can we do about it?
Using ‘I feel’ statements, rather than ‘you…’ is taking ownership of your feelings rather than attacking, criticizing or blaming your partner.
For example: ‘I feel lonely when you come home and go straight on your computer.’
Rather than: ‘You never spend any time with me, all you do is sit there and stare at your stupid computer!’ 
A statement that starts with ‘I feel’ is easier for your partner to hear as they are not immediately on the defence. If they are able to remain open to what you are expressing, you can then follow this up with a request that would address this for you such as:
‘When you get home, could we spend a bit of time together before you go on your computer so we can catch up and tell each other about our day?’

2. Take turns

Sometimes in my sessions, I interrupt arguing clients by getting up from my seat, picking up the tissue box, and putting it into one person’s hands.
I recognize that without context this sounds like totally bizarre behavior. It would certainly work to confuse and disrupt a fight if you didn’t know what had been previously agreed about this moment.
Some couples can quickly get caught up in escalating conflict. If I have noticed this, I would draw attention to it and ask the couple for their ideas, or permission to help stop and refocus the discussion.
One rule we sometimes set up is that whoever is holding the tissue box gets to speak and the other listens without interrupting them. This helps to calm the conversation down and keeps them from talking all over each other.
At home you could try the same thing. You could use any agreed object like a bunch of keys, an ornament, a pillow - use your imagination.
When you are holding the object it’s your turn to speak and when you have finished, you pass the object back to your partner who then takes their turn. This helps to create a safe space for you to speak and listen to each other.

3. Make time to talk and listen

If you have problems talking to your partner about certain subject matters without the conversation becoming heated, upsetting, or emotionally charged, here is an exercise you can try to provide some structure to your discussion. The focus of this exercise is for you to feel heard and connected and to find a solution together.
You can incorporate tips 1 and 2 above here, where you use ‘I feel’ statements and having an object that you hold to indicate it is your turn to speak.
Person A: Speak for 1 minute (use ‘I feel…’ statements)
Try to maintain eye contact or even hold hands if that feels comfortable enough. It will help you remain connected and in touch with each other.
Person B: ‘I heard you say…’
Person B then reflects back exactly what they heard Person A say. This is not an opportunity to reply or respond yet. The objective here is for person A to know that they have been heard.
Person B: ‘What was the most important thing that you want me to hear?’
Person B then gives person A the chance to clarify their thoughts and feelings, which in turn gives person B a chance to really understand what person A is trying to communicate.
Person B: ‘Why?’
By asking why, Person B demonstrates respect and the desire to understand what person A is saying without judging, reacting, defending or blaming. Person A then feels heard, understood, cared for and connected to person B.
Person B: ‘What can we do about it?’
It's now problem-solving time. By asking what can we do, Person B is being collaborative and shows person A ‘we are in this together.’ Person A feels connected to person B and not so alone with their feelings. Each of you can now take turns to make suggestions about how to negotiate the issue together.
After this you can swap over and then Person B speaks with person A going through the reflection and questions in the same way.
Put a limit on the problem solving time, if you don't come up with a solution within ten minutes, leave it and take some time to think about it separately. Agree a time where you can revisit the issue, perhaps the next day. Then go and do something fun together.

Change comes with time

As you learn to change your communication patterns over time this will start to become more natural and normal to the way you interact. In turn this will reduce the misunderstandings and offences between you as you work towards a stronger, healthier relationship.

4 Communication Habits to Avoid in your Relationship

A post taken from Relate.org.uk blog.....

It's all too easy to pick up negative communication habits when it comes to relationships. Who can say they've never raised their voice in an argument? Or unfairly accused their partner of something? Or even refused to engage in a discussion at all?
The thing is, if we're not careful, these kinds of behaviors can create real difficulties. They can turn small problems into big ones, cultivate simmering, long term resentments and ultimately make it trickier to resolve things when a real crisis comes along.
It's only by paying close attention to how well we're communicating with our partner that we can nip stuff like this in the bud. Here's my list of four of the most common negative communication habits and how to avoid them.

Freezing them out
We've all been there. Our partner comes into the room, sees we're in a bad mood and asks us what's wrong. And what do we say? 'Nothing.'
For some reason, many of us have a tendency to assume our partner should be able to know exactly what we're thinking without us telling them. It's as if we're testing them - asking them to prove they know us well enough to diagnose our feelings without any kind of verbal cue.
In reality, all this does is leave everybody feeling put out. The person being given the silent treatment feels like they're being put in an unreasonable position and may become defensive. And the person giving it only makes their bad mood worse, convincing themselves that their partner has failed to rise to the test.
If there's an issue that needs to be resolved, talking is always better than saying nothing. Be brave and be forthright: if it's something that's actually important to you, then repressing your concerns will only cause problems further down the line.

Failing to take responsibility
When you're annoyed with your partner, it can be tempting to act as if everything is their fault. We don't like to acknowledge that every disagreement has two sides to it - and it can be difficult to accept that there may be whole lot of stuff we could be doing to make things easier.
But you're much likely to be able to resolve problems if you take responsibility for your part in them.
If you find yourself phrasing concerns in terms of what your partner could be doing differently, saying things like 'you always' or 'you never', stop - and try using 'I' words instead: 'I feel', 'I would like' and so on. This will help you focus on your own feelings - and communicate to your partner that you're willing to see both sides of the discussion.

Not controlling your emotions
It's no surprise that many of us lose our temper talking things over with our partner. It can be scary to think about what will happen if we disagree on something really important. Overstating our case can sometimes feel safer than actually opening up a dialogue.
But shouting or using aggressive language won't help your partner to understand you any better. In fact, the opposite is much more likely the case.
It's much better to try to control how we express ourselves. Be careful not to raise your voice if your can help it, and watch out for using negative or aggressive body language. Things tend to go a lot better if both parties feel they're being listened to - not attacked.

Not picking your battles
Is what you're arguing about actually something that's important to you? If you find yourself fighting over every little thing, your relationship may end up becoming a seething battleground of defensive behavior - and your partner will struggle to take you seriously when it comes to something you actually feel strongly about.
Learning to let go of the little things can be as important as learning how to talk about the big ones. If it's something that, really, isn't really that big of a deal, try to give your partner a little bit of leeway. After all, there's probably a lot of stuff you do that annoys them too!

Putting it into practice
In this video our counselor Graham helps Tom and Sinead to use some of these tips so they can work together and talk properly.

Find out more
Are you finding it hard to communicate with your partner? Contact Trina@couplecounselingdc.com

5 lies to stop telling yourself about your relationship

There are things people believe about relationships that are simply not true and don't help us to have healthy happy relationships. I call these relationship myths.
In this post, I'm going to be 'busting' the top 5 relationship myths that I regularly hear couples bring into the counseling room.

1. 'Relationships should be easy' or 'It shouldn't be this hard'

Really? Where did this idea come from? If we think this is true, every time an issue comes up to test or challenge us, we will hit a wall. Believing this will set you up to fail.
The fact is, sometimes relationships and human experiences are complicated, painful and difficult, but similarly the feelings of love and connection are also so amazing that it makes the tough times worth working through. It's the hardships that make you stronger and help you grow both as a couple and as individuals.
If you do feel like you've reached a standstill on an issue talking to a therapist can give you both the space you need to discuss any concerns that you have.

2. 'We should be able to work this out on our own'

I often meet people who come into the counseling room with a resistance to the concept of needing therapy. They believe that if they are meant to be together, they should be able to work it out on their own without the need for any external help.
This is a frustrating place to start from. I mean, if you didn't learn at home from your family, get taught at school, or just magically happen to be good at relationships, then how on earth are you supposed to just know?
It's quite an expectation to have of yourself and your partner, when relationships, emotions and human beings are such complex, magnificent things. Relationships are a work in progress and a skill, just like everything else in life, you need to learn and practice and sometimes a little help is all you need.

3. 'Arguing is bad'

All couples argue; it's a normal, healthy part of being in a relationship and I'd be more worried if a couple said they never argued because I'd be thinking, are there issues being bottled up?
It's not necessarily arguing that's bad; it's more to do with the way you argue and resolve conflict that can be bad. If your arguments are very intense and damaging and there's no apology and resolution to them, then arguments can feel very threatening in your relationship.
Relationship Counseling can help you to look at how to communicate more fairly and effectively so arguments are not so scary and bad, but can actually be seen as useful in getting issues resolved.
If you want to learn more about how you and your partner argue try our Arguments Check-up quiz

4. 'We should be having sex all the time'

Some couples worry that they are not having as much sex as they think they should be. When I ask what's going on in their lives, they tell me about young children, work, study, travel, running households etc. and I'm not surprised that sex has dropped off the agenda.
Realistically our sex lives will ebb and flow according to the demands on our energy and time. If you're having loads of sex, everywhere, all the time, in lots of different positions, that's great! But I would say you're in the minority rather than that being the 'norm' for most couples.
At a purely physical level if you're very stressed and tired, all your blood will be rushing away from your genitals and the last thing you will feel like doing is having sex. This may not have anything to do with attraction to your partner or the state of your relationship.
Often it's the worry that you're not having sex that puts pressure on you. If you can talk about the fact that it's actually ok and take the pressure off yourselves, you might find when you relax, that's when the sexual feelings come back.
If you do want to improve your sex life,  Sex Therapy  can help you either create a more fulfilling sex life together, or give you a little kick start in reigniting the passion.

5. 'If they love me, they'll change'

This is often the underlying feeling clients bring into the counseling room. I often see couples in limbo, unable to progress because they are caught in an internal struggle between what they want their partners to be and who they actually are.
Just because somebody loves you, doesn't mean that they can be someone they're not, or give you something they don't have. Even if they want to, it's like asking a cat to be a dog, or a poor person to give you a million pounds.
Saying that, of course there's room to grow and negotiate, but both parties have to be open to doing this for the relationship to work. But what it comes down to is you may have to accept your partner for who they are, or recognise that the relationship is not going to work long term and find someone who does meet your needs and gives you what you want.

How we can can help

I hope exposing these myths will help you think a little clearer next time you start worrying about what's going on in your relationship. That said, if you are concerned about issues in your relationship don't try to deal with it alone, talk to a trained couples therapist.

4 reasons sex is good for you

4 reasons sex is good for you.

Some might say it’s overrated, but why is sex just so important in a romantic relationship? Here are my top four reasons why sex is so great, why we need it, and why it’s good for us and our relationships. So if you’re looking for excuses to get busy, you’ve come to right place!

1. Sex reduces stress Sex provides us with an all-important timeout from the pressures of everyday life and studies have shown that, ‘Increasing warm touch among couples has a beneficial influence on multiple stress-sensitive systems.’ Researchers have found that a night of passion with your loved one can flood the brain with feelgood chemicals that relax the brain, reduces stress levels and even dull pain. So next time you’re feeling cranky, tired and stressed out, instead of just rolling over and going to sleep, try to reach out to your partner and share the benefits of a stress-busting session in bed together.

2. Sex helps us to bond

Here comes the science… Bonding behaviors such as kissing, hugging and touching release a hormone called oxytocin, which is also released when we orgasm. Oxytocin relaxes our natural defensive systems by soothing a part of the brain called the amygdala, which controls our stress responses. The comforting feelings produced by oxytocin help us to feel close to our partners and deepen our bonds with them, keeping us feeling safe, close and connected. In a study on a group of men who were given either a dose of oxytocin or a placebo, researchers found that oxytocin release made it easier for men to act in a positive and loving way towards their sexual partners. Feeling safe and trusting our partner is so important in maintaining a strong relationship and it’s been found that the more frequent and dependable the flow of oxytocin produced, as a result of regular physical contact, the easier it is to sustain a relationship. This links back to a previous post I wrote about connection being more important than communication. If you're flooded with oxytocin your defensiveness will be down and you will feel much more connected and loving towards each other.

3. Sex is unique to your relationship

Relate Sex Therapists will tell you that sex is the one thing that is special and unique to a couple relationship that you don’t experience with anyone else. It allows you to share a level of closeness, vulnerability and intimacy that help you bond and connect in a way that you don’t do in any other relationship in your life. This is the part of your relationship that is exclusively yours and no one else’s.

4. Sex is good for your health

 There have been many studies proving that regular sex can boost your immune system, lower your blood pressure, improve cardiovascular fitness and reduce the risk of heart attack. Having more sex can even be good for your libido, so the more you have, the more you’ll enjoy it! Remember: Sex is more than just intercourse Finally, don’t limit yourself by thinking about sex as just the physical act of intercourse; sex is so much more than that and can be anything you imagine. Stroking, touching, kissing, caressing, cuddling, holding hands or any way that you physically comfort and offer each other pleasure can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life. So get exploring!

Find out more If you’re not completely satisfied with your sex life, I can help. You can call me on 202 657 6919

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

How can an affair be forgiven?

 

It is vital that you both understand the real reasons why it happened. To do this you will have to talk about what had been going on between you in the time leading up to the affair. This can be very painful, but unless you know what went wrong, you won't be able to change things in the future. Be patient. Rebuilding trust that has been broken can take a long time.

What helps to mend a relationship?

• The unfaithful partner must end the affair, once and for all.
• Talk it through. This process may take days, weeks, or longer.
• Don't talk on for hours and hours - you'll just go round in circles.
• Set a time limit, and don't talk when you're tired.
• Agree to also discuss future problems, instead of just hoping they'll go away.
• Make a commitment to a new future together. Both partners must do this, and mean it.
• Find more time for each other, take more interest in each others' lives and feelings.
• Try to sort out sexual problems.
• Consider relationship counselling.

Long-term effects of an affair

Only you can decide what to do in the aftermath of an affair, and whatever you decide will not be easy. Many affairs cause havoc in a relationship that is already dogged with problems. Affairs do sometimes provoke far-reaching changes that eventually strengthen and enhance the relationship. The cost can be very high, however.

An affair can also have destructive effects on your family. Children, in-laws, friends, may all find themselves caught up in events, and perhaps having to take sides. Permanent barriers can be created. Even so, an affair does not always mean the end of your relationship. With hard work, commitment and patience, it may be possible to come through this crisis changed, but also stronger.

The key message is to understand why the affair happened, rather than running away from the reasons. Whether you stay together or part, it is crucial to gather some insights into what went wrong. Do this, and if you remain together you will have a deeper understanding of yourselves. If you part, you will know that you had the courage to face the truth, and will be better prepared for future relationships.

Understanding Your Relationship

Your Couple Fit

 

In some relationships, arguments always seem one sided - with one partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It's possible they both have a problem expressing their feelings, but together they're able to reassure each other that emotions are being managed. Different couples will experience it in different ways, but that inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when you're together is what Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship psychotherapy, called the 'unconscious fit'.

Unconscious fit

All of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details about our life experiences and the marks they've left. It contains information we often haven't acknowledged about our fears and anxieties and our coping mechanisms and defenses.

Each of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person's blueprint. The people we're most attracted to are those who have a blueprint that complements our own. We're looking for similarities of experience but, more significantly, we're also looking for differences.

Opposites attract

The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement our experiences. That might be someone who's the same as us, but most commonly we're looking for someone from whom we can learn; someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own.

The ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar life issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems that our other half is often our best chance of becoming psychologically whole.

Although no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have noticed that there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you recognize any of these?

Master and slave - this couple has a problem with authority and control. One partner may feel very insecure if they're ever subordinate, so they're bossy and take charge of every household circumstance. Their partner, who fears responsibility, dutifully toes the line while smugly comparing what they describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner's control-freak attitude.

Distancer and pursuer - both partners are afraid of intimacy but have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away. Occasionally the chase will swap round.

Idol and worshiper - when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.

There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.

Babes in the wood - you may have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear matching sweaters. They share the same interests and, more importantly, they dislike the same things. They keep anything bad out of their perfect relationship by joining forces against the big, bad world outside.

Cat and dog - on the surface these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone.

You may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As we progress through our relationships, it's not uncommon to slip into a certain pattern of behavior. For example, in a time of illness and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child.

Good or bad chemistry?

All fits serve a psychological purpose designed to protect ourselves from discomfort. Most couples aren't aware of their fit until something happens to change it. We all grow and mature, our needs change and our relationships need to adapt to those changes.

Problems may start when one or both partners feel they are no longer able to communicate their feelings and alter patterns of behavior that are now outdated. If you think that may be happening in your relationship, couple counseling can really help you reconnect,

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5 Myths You Shouldn't Believe About Sex Therapy

Myths about what Sex Therapy is and what happens in the therapy room have been doing the rounds for years. I can't tell you how many times I've had people (friends and family included!) quote them back to me when I tell them what I do for a living.

The sad thing is, these misunderstandings and the anxiety that they cause put people off the idea of even trying Sex Therapy, meaning many miss out on getting the support they need to make their sex lives better. 

So here I'm setting the record straight by busting the most common myths.

Myth 1: "We'll have to have sex in front of the therapist"

The only activity that happens in the therapy room is talking. Sometimes there may be laughter, occasionally tears, but NEVER nudity or sex.

All "tasks" happen outside the therapy room, usually in the comfort of your own home.

Then at your next session you'll be asked to talk about how you got on. This helps your therapist understand what works for you so that you can make the progress you're looking for.

Myth 2: "Sex therapy is only for people who have serious problems with sex"

Any problem is serious if it interferes with how you'd like your sex life to be.

Most people experience sexual difficulties at some time in their lives. That's normal, but if it bothers you, not doing something about it can sometimes make things worse. Sex Therapy gives you a safe space to work through your worries and take positive steps to change things.

Myth 3: "If my partner and I have to go to sex therapy it means our relationship is over"

For most people the opposite is true. Recognizing that your sex life isn't how you'd like it to be and getting help is a really positive step. Taking time out to think about what's going wrong for you or your partner can help prevent difficulties spreading from your sexual life to other parts of the relationship.

Sometimes though, sexual problems are caused by other issues in your relationship. If that is the case, your therapist may suggest some initial work to understand what's going on and how to overcome it before deciding if Sex Therapy is right for you. Sometimes people find that taking time to work on their general relationship means that the sexual problems lessen or disappear completely. Relate Sex Therapists are also trained Relationship Counselors and can help you to decide what kind or relationship support is right for you now.

So by simply booking that first appointment, you're taking a big step forwards in looking after your relationship.

Myth 4: "The therapist will be too embarrassed to deal with the issue I'm having"

Absolutely false! Sex therapists are used to helping people overcome all kinds of sexual problems. You can be certain that whatever the issue you're experiencing we'll have heard it at least a couple of times before!

We understand it takes a great deal of courage to come and talk with a complete stranger about sex but our job is to make you feel comfortable and at ease. You set the pace and you can decide what you do and don't want to talk about. Whatever the issue is you're not alone and most people tell us that breaking the silence and talking things through is really liberating.

Myth 5: "You have to be in a relationship to go to sex therapy"

Anyone can come along to Sex Therapy whether they're in a relationship or not. If you're single, you might still have sexual problems that are troubling you.

Feeling OK sexually is not just about having a partner, so seeking information or practical support from a therapist may help you to feel more confident about being sexual with yourself or with a future partner.

I really hope I've helped calm a few fears about what to expect in Sex Therapy. If you're still a bit unsure if it's the right step for you you could check out my blog or call me get further support and information. 

This is a post from my training and qualifying organization, Relate.org.

Long-Distance Relationships

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - or so the saying goes. But what if the time away is prolonged, or one partner is more relaxed about the situation?

Different views of distance

How couples cope with being apart largely depends on how they feel about the separation. Here are some common interpretations:

What's the big deal? - if you were brought up in a family where absence was the norm, it may be that periods apart are no problem.

It's the thin end of the wedge - perhaps in your past someone left saying it was temporary, but didn't come back. You may see a period of separation as the beginning of the end.

If you loved me, you'd stay - love is linked to being physically near and any threat to that is also a threat to your emotional security.

But it's not for long - it might be your nature to look at life in the long term and see a bigger picture and, therefore, you may find it easier than your partner to see this as a temporary phase of your relationship.

It's just not right - if your parents were together nearly all the time, then absence may simply be beyond your experience. Being a couple means being together.

On top of your personal interpretations of the absence, each of you will have a different perspective depending on whether you're the one leaving or staying.

Away from home

If you're the one who's going away, you have the advantage of experiencing new scenery, a new job and new people, perhaps. The disadvantages, of course, are missing your home and the company of friends and family. And although there may be many new experiences, you'll have to deal with the loneliness of having no partner with you to share them. People away from home often find their emotions swing between heights of excitement and depths of longing.

Left at home

If you're the partner who's staying at home, you have the advantage of familiar surroundings and, hopefully, the support of friends and family. The downside of this is that you may feel abandoned and trapped. There are also few new experiences for you, just the humdrum of daily life and the loneliness of having to get on with it on your own.

Making it work

The key to making long-distance relationships work is to talk honestly and openly about how you feel. Couples often fall into one of the following traps:

Let's pretend it's OK - if asked how you are, you both say "I'm OK, everything's fine." Underneath you're both lonely, but are too scared to say in case the other person doesn't understand.

It's all right for you - you try to be nice when you talk, but the resentment slips out. You're both convinced your partner's having an easier time of it than you. Underneath you both want reassurance, but fear you'll be rejected.

Be honest

Share your feelings about the separation - both the positives and the negatives. This will give you the opportunity to really understand each other and give the support and reassurance you both need.

Talk about your resentment at the situation rather than at each other and look forward to the time when you're next together.

Keep communicating

Staying in touch regularly is the key to surviving a long-distance relationship.

• Use a variety of ways of communicating - email, telephone, text message, letter, etc.
• Send little gifts - to show how often you think of each other.
• Make some surprise calls - make the odd call just to say "I love you."
• Send regular pictures - this will help your partner keep a visual record of what you're up to.
• Keep a diary - then share it with your partner each time you meet.

Beware the reunion anticlimax

When you get to see each other again, chances are both of you will have built up great expectations of how fantastic your reunion is going to be. However, the reality often doesn't match up to the fantasy.

Many couples feel disappointed and frustrated when things aren't as they'd hoped. You may also find that rather than making love all day there are awkward silences or even arguments.

You can prevent this by making sure you've talked about how you want the reunion to be and recognising that the anticipation is often better than the consummation! And remember, it may take time to get used to being around each other again.

Absence can make the heart grow fonder when you use the time to show your partner how much they mean to you.

I’m worried that I (or someone I know) might be addicted to sex

 

Sexual addiction is the term used to describe any sexual activity that feels 'out of control'. Having a very high sex drive does not make you a sex 'addict'. Neither does engaging in specific sexual activities, having many partners, looking at porn or engaging in cyber-sex. At CouplecounselingDC, we think that none of these are relevant unless you do. What is relevant is if someone feels that they are engaging in any sexual activity that they can no longer control and is likely to result in harm to themselves, a partner or partners, or to family and friends. So, 'being sexually addicted' is not defined by the activity itself but by the possible negative effect on the individual's quality of life and on those around them.

If you're worried that your activity is out of control it might help to consider if the following statements are familiar. For example do you:

• Feel that the behaviour is out of control.
• Believe that there may be severe consequences if you continue but carry on any way.
• Persistently pursue destructive high risk sexual activities, want to stop but are unable to do so.
• Need more and more of the sexual activity in order to experience the same level of high followed by feelings of shame and depression.
• Experience intense mood swings around repeated sexual activity.
• Spend more and more time planning, engaging in or regretting and recovering from sexual activities.
• Neglect social or work commitments in favour of the sexual activity.

• Repeatedly try to stop and perhaps stay stopped for a while, only to start up again.

Many or none of the above may accurately reflect how you're feeling about what you do. The important thing is to talk to someone if you're worried. I can offer support and help to people who recognise their activities are causing problems. I can offer careful assessment and lots of discussion because I understand that this is a complex issue where many other factors could contribute to your experience of your difficulty.

Likewise if you're worried about a partner, you can talk to me in complete confidence. I can help individuals or couples to explore the impact of out of control activities on their relationship and support each of them to find a way forward.

If you think sex addiction maybe an issue, tackling it on your own can feel very daunting and isolating so getting professional help may be a useful step.

5 Top Tops to enjoy Great Sex this Valentine's Day

 
Valentine's Day and all the expectations that come with it can make you feel like you should be having all kinds of passionate and adventurous sex with your partner. But the reality is it can be pretty difficult to keep things fizzing, especially if you both have busy lives.

Instead of worrying about reaching some unrealistic ideal in the bedroom, why not try making a few simple changes? You may be surprised by how developing a few positive habits in your relationship can really put the spark back into things.

As a Sex Therapist I help lots of couples who say they feel like they've got stuck in the same routine and need help reconnecting. So here are my top tips to a better sex life: 

• Let's get... verbal. Sometimes, communicating about our sexual needs is as important as the act itself. Try talking about sex at a time completely separate to actually having it. Discuss what you like, what you don't and what you'd like to try. That way, you can experiment when it's time to get down to business.

• Don't always go 'all the way'. People sometimes avoid kissing or touching because they're worried it'll mean their partner will want to have sex and they won't quite feel up to it. Don't worry about having to go 'all the way' every time. Get into the habit of being casually physical. Try kissing passionately before going to work, massaging on a Friday night or just generally being playful and tactile. Building sensuality into your day to day life will help you to maintain a strong and loving physical connection.

• Initiate sex in new and different ways. How you initiate sex can make the difference between a new and exciting sensual experience and, well, business as usual. Get things off to an interesting start by trying out something new. Surprise your partner with spontaneous sex (within limits of course!), try starting with a massage or read an erotic novel together and act out the parts. You might find that initiating things in an unexpected or interesting way means you discover all new ways of enjoying each other.

• Relocation, Relocation, Relocation. It's an old classic - but for a reason! Many couples find that having sex somewhere different is a simple change that can make a big difference. If you've fallen into a routine with your partner, try switching the setting. It doesn't have to be anywhere particularly crazy - after all, it's a little chilly to be getting frisky in the garden shed at the moment. Maybe try bringing a duvet into the living room or booking a weekend at a hotel.

• Anticipation, enjoyment, recollection. Sex isn't just about the act itself. It can be about the anticipation and the recollection too. So build up tension beforehand by talking about what you'd like to do - and chat afterwards about what you enjoyed and what you'd like to do again. You don't even have to be in the same room: try sending sexy texts throughout the day or leaving notes around the house. 

Want to find out more?

Looking for more ideas on spicing up your sex life? Or want to talk to someone about sex?

• Find out more about Sex Therapy and what it involves.
• Get help dealing with common sexual problems.
• Book an appointment with a Sex Therapist in your area. 

Breaking Bad Communication Habits

Breaking Bad Communication Habits

I often see couples who are stuck in a communication rut and don’t know why. Repeatedly they are having the same arguments over and over again, or have even just stopped talking as they have now given up trying. 

Couples I have worked with have found an understanding of Transactional Analysis helpful in getting them out of their deadlock. So I though I’d share a simplified version with you.

Eric Berne first coined the term Transactional Analysis in his best selling book Games People Play which is a study of communication patterns and interactions between individuals.

The TA Trinity

The basic premise of this theory, which I’ll refer to as TA from now on, is that we have three internal states (known in TA as ego-states) to our personality. These are the Parent, Child and Adult.

The Parent

The parent ego state is behaviour learnt from our own parental figures. It can be either critical or nurturing. A critical parent might say, ‘You always forget to take out the rubbish, you’re so useless.’ Whereas a nurturing parent might say, ‘Don’t worry about the rubbish, I’ll take it out for you.’

The Child

The child ego state replays feelings experienced in childhood. It can be expressed as either adapted (shaped by childhood experience) or free. An adapted child might say, ‘I’m sorry, I always forget to take out the rubbish, I’m always messing up.’ Whereas the free child might something like, ‘Boring! I hate taking out the rubbish, I’m too busy.’

The child state is seen as the source of fun, creation and imagination, but also the most impulsive and emotional state, carrying all the feelings of love, joy, hate, fear, sadness, anger, shame etc.

The Adult

The adult ego state is the state we try to develop in therapy. It is the most rational and non-threatening state and avoids judgment or criticism. The adult might say, ‘The bin men are coming tomorrow, do you have time to take out the rubbish?’

Getting Stuck

We all have access to these three states in our personalities, but problems can arise when we get stuck in certain patterns of communication that are ineffective in our relationships. To demonstrate how this might work, let’s take Sarah and Harry*:

Sarah feels Harry doesn’t take any responsibility in the house and takes on the critical parent ego state. Harry in turn feels attacked and takes on the adapted child ego state, reacting to her from that place.

Sarah: ‘Harry, I’m so tired of you doing nothing to help around the house, you’re such a waste of space!’
Harry: ‘I’m sorry, I know, I’ll try harder to help you out.’
Sarah: ‘I’m so tired of it, I can’t rely on you to do anything.’
Harry: Says nothing and tears form in his eyes.
Sarah: ‘Oh there you go again, turning on the waterworks. I’m so fed up of it.’

Over time they unwittingly become locked into this pattern of communicating and are unable to come up with solutions together. Both of them end up feeling alone and disconnected as a result.

Adult to Adult

In counselling we would work towards an adult-to-adult interaction where we would help couples like Sarah and Harry to learn how to negotiate getting tasks done.

A more adult-to-adult interaction might look like this:

Sarah: ‘Harry, when you have some time, please could you help me out with some tasks around the house.’
Harry: ‘Sure, perhaps you could write a list and we can sit down and work out how to divide up the chores a bit better.’
Sarah: ‘Thanks Harry, I really appreciate it. That would really take some of the pressure off me.’

In this way, Sarah gets the help she is really asking for and Harry feels valued and able to help her. Through adult-to-adult interactions they are able to stay connected and work together.

What about you?

Can you identify with any of these ego states and communication patterns?

Perhaps when you get angry, you have learnt to take a critical parent ego state and scold your partner, or perhaps you take the position of the free child that rebels in response?

Or are you the adapted child that tries to pacify your partner, but over time you lose your voice in the relationship and become unhappy?

Or maybe you both take on critical parent ego states, that creates escalating drama and as a result you never manage to resolve your issues?

Break the pattern

Becoming aware of how we talk to each other can be key to unlocking the painful cycles that couples become trapped in.

By identifying our patterns, we can start to make consciously different choices in the way we communicate with each other.

Your feelings are valid, but perhaps it’s the way you are expressing them that is causing the problem. If we can work towards finding the ‘adult-to-adult’ in our interactions, we can also work towards better outcomes in our relationships.

Some Light Reading

Counselling For Toads by Robert de Board is a fantastic book if you are interested in learning more about Transactional Analysis. It’s a really easy read because it’s fiction with TA worked into the story.

De Board takes Kenneth Grahame’s famous character, Toad of Toad Hall from The Wind in the Willows and tells us how Toad suffers from depression and works with Heron, a TA counsellor. Through the story Toad shares his feelings and learns to develop his emotional intelligence with the help of Heron and the theories used in TA.

Should I be worried?

My partner isn't having a physical affair, but is very close to someone else. Should I be worried?

An emotional affair has three features.

• Secrecy, either about the existence of a friendship, or the interactions that take place.
• Physical chemistry and attraction.
• When the friend knows more about your primary relationship than you know about this friendship.

Emotional affairs like all affairs, are increasing because of the social context in which we live. We spend a lot of our time at work with colleagues, we travel away from home and we have mobile phones, messenger applications, social networking sites and E-mails. We have individual friendships.
Emotional affairs usually start with a friendship that has “crossed the line”. By this it is meant that the boundaries around that friendship, that prevented it from posing a threat to your primary relationship, have become blurred over time. Emotional infidelity occurs when your partner starts exchanging intimacies and secrets with a friend, that they would normally share with you.

If your partner wouldn’t have wanted you to hear or see these interactions, a line was crossed. If there was also secrecy involved and physical attraction, there was a high risk that this emotional affair would have evolved into a combined affair, where both physical and emotional infidelity occurred.

Not every emotional affair will lead to physical infidelity. For some individuals, there is a boundary that they won’t breach. If your partner decided to end the friendship and has taken the risk to tell you about what has happened, there is a good chance that the relationship would not have progressed further. Although you are bound to feel hurt, listen to what your partner is saying and take comfort from the fact that they stepped back from the brink of a combined affair and showed sufficient investment in your relationship to be honest about it. As with all affairs, try to see this as a joint opportunity to find out why it happened.

If on the other hand, the emotional affair has ended because of discovery, or because the other party has withdrawn, your partner needs to be as honest as they can about the likely progress of the friendship. Most people in this situation would like to think that they would not have been physically unfaithful, but this can be a comforting self-delusion.

An emotional affair can be as painful for all parties as a physical, or combined affair. It is a mistake to minimize the hurt feelings and loss of trust, but with hard work and a willingness to uncover the reason why it happened and agreeing future boundaries for safe friendships, a couple can build a stronger relationship in its wake.

I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner

I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner. What can we do

Although they can be painful and unpleasant arguments are common in all kinds of relationships. But disagreements don't have to end in hostile silence or a screaming match. Learning ways of handling discussions on emotive topics and looking out for the patterns and triggers in your arguments can really help you improve the situation.
Find out why you argue
Think about what you're really arguing about. On the surface it could be about money, sex, housework, disciplining children or other family matters. But question what you are really arguing about? You could compare an argument to an onion; the outer layer is the issue you are actually talking about, deeper layers represent other areas, and understanding these can help you work out why rows sometimes escalate out of all proportion to the original problem.
It might help you to think about your physical feelings, stress or tiredness can intensify a fight. Or think about how other people's input might fuel your anger.
When you can't stop arguing If your conflict is rooted in intractable problems, it may be hard, or even impossible, to alter the pattern. If you recognise any of these factors, you need to find support and help, whether from friends, family or getting in touch with a therapist.

• Your lives are moving in totally different directions.
• Alcoholism, drug addiction or other problems feature in your relationship.
• One of you is having an affair.
• One of you no longer loves the other, or has actually decided to leave.

One of the most serious outcomes of arguing is when a couple comes to blows or one partner physically attacks another. If physical violence is a feature of your relationship, you need to seek help urgently. The national Domestic Violence Helpline website has information, help and support for anyone affected by domestic violence.
How you argue
There are as many ways of having an argument as there are couples who argue. Some common and highly destructive patterns are:

• Stonewalling: total withdrawal and refusal to discuss the issue. Partner feels unvalued and unheard.
• Criticism: Commenting negatively on the other's behavior, over and above the current problem. 'You're always so forgetful.' Partner feels attacked and threatened.
• Contempt: Sneering, belligerence or sarcasm. 'You think you're so clever.' Partner feels humiliated and belittled.
• Defensiveness: Aggressively defending and justifying self to partner. 'You haven't got a clue just how much I have to remember every day.' Partner feels attacked. Row escalates.

Changing the way you tackle rows Think about the ways you and your partner argue, then think about how you would like to change these. Notice how easily you slip into familiar routines of arguing, almost without thinking. Talk this over with your partner if you can, but if that feels too difficult, go ahead and start changing away. Your partner's reactions will alter in response to yours.
Aim for a 'win-win' style of disagreeing, where no one feels they've lost. This will let both partners:

• outline their own needs
• listen to each other's needs
• talk flexibly about solutions that give each of them enough of what they want.

Six steps to handling arguments constructively

• If you want to raise a tricky topic with your partner, start the discussion amicably. Don't go in with all guns firing, or with a sarcastic or critical comment. For instance, in the example of overspending, say, 'Can we talk about the credit card bill - we need to work out a spending limit that suits us both', not, 'I'm furious about that bill - why do you go over the top every time?'
• Try to understand your partner's reactions, and remember that you are not just arguing about the 'surface' problem. If your partner says, 'Just let me take care of the money, will you', remember that perhaps in their childhood their role model controlled all household affairs. It will need careful and sensitive negotiation, over a period of time, to alter this pattern of expectations.
• Respect your partner's views, even if you are annoyed. Instead of saying, 'I'm not a child!' try, 'I know it's important to you to feel able to spend as and when you like, but I need to have a say in how our money is used, too'.
• Take responsibility for your own emotions. Why you are so upset? Has something from the past been stirred up by this latest row? Do you fear loss of control in other aspects of your life? Saying, 'You make me so angry...' places the blame for your feelings squarely on to your partner. Yes, his or her behaviour may have triggered your feelings, but their depth may have little to do with the current problem.
• Keep tabs on physical feelings, which warn you if you are close to losing control. A knot in the stomach, breathlessness, tears, all spell trouble. Leave the room, and take time to calm down.
• Be prepared to compromise. Often the only way to reach a win-win solution is for both partners to give some ground. Don't stick rigidly to your desired outcome. Check out what your partner wants to achieve - don't take it for granted that you already know. Then tell him or her what it is you are hoping for, and explore different possibilities together until you reach a solution that both are happy with.

Future rows
These techniques really do work, and can produce major changes. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that you will never have another bad row. If it happens, look at what went wrong, think about how you could have handled it better, and aim to do better next time. Then forgive yourself, and your partner, and move on.

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

How can an affair be forgiven?

 

It is vital that you both understand the real reasons why it happened. To do this you will have to talk about what had been going on between you in the time leading up to the affair. This can be very painful, but unless you know what went wrong, you won't be able to change things in the future. Be patient. Rebuilding trust that has been broken can take a long time.

What helps to mend a relationship?

• The unfaithful partner must end the affair, once and for all.
• Talk it through. This process may take days, weeks, or longer.
• Don't talk on for hours and hours - you'll just go round in circles.
• Set a time limit, and don't talk when you're tired.
• Agree to also discuss future problems, instead of just hoping they'll go away.
• Make a commitment to a new future together. Both partners must do this, and mean it.
• Find more time for each other, take more interest in each others' lives and feelings.
• Try to sort out sexual problems.
• Consider relationship counselling.

Long-term effects of an affair

Only you can decide what to do in the aftermath of an affair, and whatever you decide will not be easy. Many affairs cause havoc in a relationship that is already dogged with problems. Affairs do sometimes provoke far-reaching changes that eventually strengthen and enhance the relationship. The cost can be very high, however.

An affair can also have destructive effects on your family. Children, in-laws, friends, may all find themselves caught up in events, and perhaps having to take sides. Permanent barriers can be created. Even so, an affair does not always mean the end of your relationship. With hard work, commitment and patience, it may be possible to come through this crisis changed, but also stronger.

The key message is to understand why the affair happened, rather than running away from the reasons. Whether you stay together or part, it is crucial to gather some insights into what went wrong. Do this, and if you remain together you will have a deeper understanding of yourselves. If you part, you will know that you had the courage to face the truth, and will be better prepared for future relationships.

How do I move on after divorce?

How do I move on after divorce?

 

The end of a relationship is always a difficult time. No matter who ended it or when, the future can look bleak and frightening. But life does can continue and many thousands of people go to have happy and fulfilling lives after divorce.

There are many things you'll need to focus on during this difficult time and at times it may feel overwhelming. The advice in We're separating - what now focuses on the more practical elements and My partner and I are separating. I'm worried that our kids are going to suffer. I want to sort things out with my partner so at least, we can carry on being good parents. offers advice on helping children through your separation. But as well as that, you need to focus on yourself as an individual. Deciding what you need to do to help you let go of the past and look forward to the future.

Like most people, you're likely to experience a roller coaster of emotion. Some days you may feel hopeful and maybe even relieved if your marriage had been difficult for a long time. On other days you may feel sad, angry, confused and anxious.

Understanding what went wrong is an important step towards recovery. Many people get locked into questioning: Whose fault it is? What did I do wrong? How could they do that to me? Unfortunately all this kind of questioning does is lock you into the blame game which creates more bitterness and heartache. It can sometimes be more helpful to focus on what the relationship was lacking and how the relationship failed to meet your or your partners needs, rather than blaming yourselves as individuals. Though the answers may be upsetting, the greater the understanding, the easier it will be to let go of the past and move on.

Over the coming weeks and months you need to really focus on looking after yourself. The end of a relationship can damage self esteem and self confidence. The following tips will help you to get through this difficult time and face the future with hope.

• Keep talking - talking is the best way to prevent isolation and help maintain perspective. You're not alone and sharing your heartaches and victories with a trusted friend, family member or neighbour will help to carry you along.
• Let yourself grieve - it's normal to feel shock when a relationship finally comes to an end and it can take time for the reality of this to settle in. You'll have good days and bad days - give yourself time.
• Let go of anger. Many people feel stuck with their anger. Either angry at themselves or angry at their partner. Holding on to this anger maintains an emotional connection between you and your ex and slows up your ability to move on. Make time to Relax. Whether you prefer reading a book, going for a walk, soaking in the bath, going for a run or gardening - it really doesn't matter. Just as long as you give your body time to de-stress. And remember, laughter really is the best medicine so make sure you make time to see friends and have some fun too.
• Set small goals - when times are feeling really tough it may feel as if you're getting nowhere. Setting yourself small achievable goals not only boosts feel good chemicals, but also boosts your confidence. Whether it's getting a chore out of the way, going out for the evening or starting a new project at work, it will help you to see and know that you're moving on.
• Look after your health. Make sure you take regular exercise and maintain a healthy diet. Unfortunately comfort eating is more likely to make you depressed than cheer you up.
• Plan ahead - write down a list of all the things you're going to do when you get through this. When you have bad days, you can use this list to remind yourself that you still have a future ahead of you.
• Get help - if each day seems to be getting harder rather than better, then you may find it helpful to make an appointment to see a Relate counsellor. There are details of your local centre on this website.