How to Have Better Conversations with Your Partner, and Just About Anyone Else

Do you want to create a richer connection with your partner? To have those conversations that are intimate and meaningful? Are you shutting down opportunities for a deeper relationship with someone you love by the way you talk with them?
Wait, I’m sorry. Let me try those questions again.
How do you connect better with people? Recount a time when you had a meaningful conversation. What kinds of questions elicit a deeper engagement?
We all have conversations with people who are not gifted in connecting, and maybe we struggle to connect in conversations. Connecting through conversation is integral to any relationship, and our questions often determine the quality of that engagement. The key to asking engaging questions may be simpler than you think.
There’s a colloquial expression: it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Although the tone of our questions is important, the actual questions themselves are the key to engaging conversations. Read the first paragraph of this article again. How can someone respond to the questions in this first paragraph? They are all closed-ended questions, which typically prompt simple one-word answers, so what you say does matter.
My favorite Saturday Night Live skit comes from The Chris Farley Show, where he painstakingly struggles to interview his famous guests. He labors through interview questions that all begin with, “Do you remember…?” Leaving the famous interviewee to blandly respond, “Yes. Yes, I do.”
The point of the skit is to show how poor Farley is in interviewing his guests, barraging them with yes-or-no questions that cause the audience to feel the lack of connection or depth. It’s brilliantly hilarious, but also terrifyingly familiar.
All of us have been the one uncomfortably asking questions of the person we want to impress or connect with, only to find ourselves running the conversation into a brick wall. These types of questions narrow down the possible responses to a version of either yes or no. When you ask closed-ended questions, you lead your conversation partner down a path that severely limits opportunity for depth and connection.
So, in what ways are closed-ended questions a part of those conversations? How can we free ourselves from this limited way of speaking?

How to Ask Open-Ended Questions

There is a very simple strategy in how you talk with your loved ones that can enhance your ability to create better conversations—especially with your partner—and that is to ask open-ended questions. The idea of open-ended questions comes from Miller and Rollnick’s Motivational Interviewing, which is a widely accepted form of dialogue that enhances the participant’s motivation to accept change. But open-ended questions are not only good for therapy; they are also key to fostering engaging conversations in our everyday lives.
To better enhance the opportunity for deeper, richer conversation, according to Miller and Rollnick, you have to work on your phrasing of questions. Open-ended means that the questions cannot be appropriately answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Open-ended questions do not begin with “do” or “did,” which generally prompt a simple answer; open-ended types of questions usually begin with these words:

• How did you…
• In what ways…
• Tell me about…
• What’s it like…

If you have a teenage child, imagine asking them this question at the end of the day: “Did you have a good day today?” Do you think that will prompt a thrilling conversation where your teen opens up to you about all their hopes and dreams? Of course it won’t. Instead, you could try: “In what ways did you feel accomplished today?”
Asking open-ended questions encourages the person you’re conversing with to think critically and therefore to be more engaging, because open-ended questions allow the respondent, not the asker, to control the response.
Try reading the second paragraph of this article again, and notice how the paragraph is entirely comprised of open-ended questions that require much more critical thought than the questions in the first paragraph. You are invited to self-reflect and to dive into descriptive answers that are ripe for follow-up questions. In using more open-ended questions in conversation, you invite people to talk with you rather than talk to you. That is the recipe for better conversations.
When it comes to romantic relationships, asking open-ended questions is especially important, and The Gottman Institute’s methods encourage couples to ask open-ended questions of each other on a regular basis to deepen their intimacy. Let’s imagine those moments in a romantic relationship where connection is difficult, where busyness is the norm, yet you long for a rich conversation with your partner like you used to have.
You turn to your partner and ask, “Do you feel happy with our relationship right now?” How does someone begin to answer this question when it might seem so reductive? Let’s reword this question to be more open-ended and see how it evokes conversation: “In what ways do you feel happy with our relationship?” This open-ended example provides a much more constructive setting to better know what is going well in the relationship.
Which brings us to this: better conversation is more vulnerable and more intimate conversation. It is very difficult to share your thoughts and emotions by answering closed-ended questions, but with open-ended questions, the door for deeper connectedness is flung wide open. Granted, you cannot force someone to be open and honest and share their deeper selves, but you can create an atmosphere that invites deeper connection.
Open-ended questions require us to be engaged in what we are saying. And when we are engaged in what we are saying, we create better and more meaningful conversation.

My partner is always criticizing me

Frequently criticizing your partner or being criticized by them can create a lot of tension in your relationship. It can make you feel like you’re constantly under attack or as though nothing you do is good enough.
A person being constantly criticized is likely to find it hurtful and demoralizing and may grow to resent the person doing the criticizing. If you find criticism has become an issue in your relationship, it’s important to nip it in the bud before the problem becomes any worse.

Types of criticism

Sometimes, criticism is overt, taking the form of comments or gestures that are clearly intended to rile or hurt the person they’re directed towards – saying things like ‘You’ve put on weight’ or ‘you look tired today’.
And sometimes criticism can be more subtle or passive-aggressive, directed through sarcasm or comments ostensibly made as jokes.

Dealing with criticism

If you’re struggling with criticism in your relationship, you may want to consider the following:

• Don’t retaliate. If your partner makes a negative comment towards you, simply throwing one back at them will only add fuel to the fire. If necessary, take a moment to let the urge subside.
• Speak to them gently but directly. Tell them how it makes you feel to be criticized. You may want to consider using ‘I’ phrases (‘I feel’, ‘I would like’) rather than ‘you’ phrases (‘you always’, ‘you don’t’). This way, you’re taking responsibility for your own feelings and your partner won’t feel like you’re attacking them.
• Think about any issues behind the criticism. It’s not an effective way to go about it, but criticism can be a way of expressing dissatisfaction with a relationship. If you’re being honest with yourself, would you say there are areas in your behavior that could be better? Talk about any problems openly and honestly. Again, don’t phrase your comments as attacks – but rather as genuine attempts to understand what is going wrong.

Turning ‘criticism’ into ‘feedback’

Of course, there will come times when you feel it’s legitimate to tell your partner you think they’re doing something wrong.
In these cases, it’s good to try to phrase your points as ‘feedback’ rather than ‘criticism’. Try to make your approach a constructive one so your partner doesn’t feel like you’re trying to get at them.

• Focus on the situation or action, not the person. Instead of simply accusing your partner, comment on the consequences or context. I.e. instead of saying ‘You never want to go out anymore’, say ‘I feel like we haven’t been out in a while. Would you like to go to the cinema next Saturday?’
• Focus on the positive as well as the negative. Remind them of what you like as well as what you don’t. ‘I really enjoy spending time with your friends, but I think it would be nice to doing something together this weekend’ instead of ‘We always hang around with your friends! I’m sick of it!’
• Share how it has affected you. Again, a case of not phrasing your comment as an attack. ‘When I feel like the bad guy in front of the kids, it makes me feel put out’, rather than ‘Stop making me look like the bad guy!’.
• Learn to take feedback yourself. If your partner is giving you feedback, it’s important to try to take it in a constructive spirit. Don’t assume your partner is trying to hurt your feelings –rather, listen to what they have to say and think seriously about whether they have a point.

When is criticism abuse?

If your partner is constantly trying to control you through their behavior or makes you feel intimidated by their comments, this is a form of emotional abuse and you should seek professional help.

Posted on June 24, 2018 in Communication, Relationship Issues

I’ve been faking orgasm, but I don’t know how to talk to my partner about sex

Feeling like you aren’t getting what you want in bed and being unable to ask for it can be frustrating and upsetting.
Sex can be a really a tricky topic. We may feel we don’t know how to express ourselves to our partner. Or we may feel confused or embarrassed about why things aren’t ‘working’.
And, while it’s important to remember that sex won’t always be perfect – after all, we can all have ‘off days’ – being able to talk about sex is important in any relationship. Sex can be a really important way of reconnecting – of being intimate, close and just enjoying one another.

Why am I faking orgasm?

There are a number of reasons why someone might fake an orgasm.
You may have trouble communicating openly with your partner in general. A lack of confidence talking about sex may be an extension of a general lack of confidence when it comes to talking. Perhaps communication has broken down recently or perhaps it’s something you and your partner have always had problems with. Maybe you feel uncomfortable expressing yourself honestly or find it difficult to talk without things becoming heated and turning into an argument.
Alternatively (or additionally), you may have specific hang-ups when it comes to talking about sex. Different people have different thresholds when it comes to how open they feel they can be on this topic. Some people are quite happy being direct and honest about it. Some may find it a little embarrassing but manage to say what they’re thinking. And some would rather just not talk about it at all.

Much of this has to do with how we’re brought up. If we learn that sex is just a topic like any other when we’re children, we’re more likely to be able to talk about it without embarrassment as an adult. Conversely, if it’s something that’s rarely mentioned when we’re growing up – or we’re actively discouraged from talking about it – we may find it’s really hard to talk about later on.
This may also relate to issues of self-esteem. It may be that you feel you can’t ever say what you want. You may feel you don’t deserve to have what you want, or that you feel more comfortable putting other people’s needs before your own. You may have come to view yourself in a certain way or feel you have a certain role to play out and feel anxious about contradicting this.

How do I talk about sex?

In truth, the best way to get started is by simply giving it a go. Of course, this is easier said than done.
You may be worrying about your partner’s reaction to what you’re going to say. You may worry that they’re going to be hurt or upset – or even that they’ll just feel awkward and not know what to say. And, while there’s no way of guaranteeing this won’t be the case, remaining silent isn’t likely to yield any positive results either. Sometimes it’s worth thinking about how you’d feel if you didn’t take the plunge – what if things stayed the same for another year, or even two? This can help you appreciate just how big a problem this is for you – whether it’s something you can live with or something you need to fix.

One very useful tip is to try and talk when you’re both already feeling positive about the relationship and about each other. At a time when you feel close and relaxed, you’re much more likely to be able to listen to what each other has to say and take it in.
You might like to go out for a meal or a drink. Taking things to a neutral location can put you in the right mindset for dealing with new ideas. And, it may sound strange, but – if you are able to have sex successfully from time to time – you might also try talking about it afterwards. When you’re lying in bed together, you’re more likely to be feeling relaxed, close and positive (again, this is assuming you’re sometimes able to enjoy sex together – we wouldn’t recommend trying if this isn’t the case). As long as you phrase what you’re trying to say carefully, you may find you’re able to talk quite successfully in this setting.

If you think your hesitations around talking about sex may be more related to your self-esteem, this is going to require a slightly different kind of conversation. It’s going to be more about telling your partner how you feel, what you find difficult. You may need to think about any insecurities that are making it tricky for you to express yourself in this way. If you’re having trouble, simply start by how it feels when you think about asking for what you want – and where these feelings might be coming from. You may also think back to earlier experiences that could have affected your ability to do this – things that may have happened when you were younger, or in previous relationships.
While in some ways, it may feel like any insecurities are ‘your’ problem – something you’re bringing to the table that’s up to you to solve – ultimately, this is something that you and your partner will need to work on together. After all, you’re not just two separate people: you’re also sharing a life. And additionally – you’re much more likely to be successful if you do things as a team.

In the end, regardless of the reasoning behind it, the objective when it comes to talking about sex is usually the same. It’s about reconnecting as a couple, coming to understand how each other is feeling and learning how to work on problems together. And while it’s undeniably scary doing so – especially if you haven’t had much practice – the potential benefits usually more than outweigh the risks.

Psychosexual issues

One important thing to mention is that in some cases, issues relating to sex can be a little more complicated.
Sometimes, we develop problems that are independent of our relationship, or that relate to subconscious or difficult-to-process ideas around the subject that make it difficult to enjoy or even have sex. In sex therapy, we sometimes describe these as ‘psychosexual’ issues. This is a complicated and wide-ranging subject that it would be difficult to describe in sufficient detail here.
However, if you feel like your problems with sex may come under this category, we would recommend speaking to a professional sex therapist. Although we know the prospect can feel a little strange, it may the best way to come to understand what’s happening, and usually the most effective route towards addressing it. Many people are surprised at just how effective sex therapy is once they get started.

How we can help

Sex therapy can incredibly effective and very rewarding. 93% of couples who’ve used a sex therapy service said that it improved their sex life. Whether you’re single, married or in a relationship, gay, lesbian or straight, sex therapy can help you to improve your sex life and overcome any specific sexual issues.

• Find out more about sex therapy
• All calls and emails will be kept confidential. Sessions cost $120 per hour. Skype sessions are available.
• Phone: 202-270-3937 Opening Hours: 9:00pm – 8pm   Monday-Friday
•   E-mail trina@couplecounselingDC.com