Relationship Difficulties

Relationship Difficulties

Here is some general advice about what to do if there is conflict in your relationship.
These are the sort of steps a relationship therapist might take you through.

Take Time Out

When a conflict flares up it can be incredibly hard to stop talking and separate off.
The temptation is to keep at it, trying to prove your point, win the battle, or make the other
person see your perspective. However, time apart almost always helps us to have a more
useful conversation when we do come back to the issue.

It is worth talking about this with the people we’re in relationships with when things are
good: what are the tell-tale signs we might observe that one or both of us needs a break
from a discussion? How can we say, in those moments, that we need some time out? We
probably won’t always get it right but it might help to think about it in advance. It is also
worth considering together about where we will go to get that time out, especially if you
live together and don't have a room of your own you can go to.

Similarly it might well be worth taking some time alone prior to raising a new issue
with someone, to think over some of the questions here. Before you approach the
person you could consider what you’re bringing to the discussion and the different
ways in which they might react, as well as thinking about how you’ll express things
when you do talk to them.

Think About Yourself

The tempting thing to do in the time out is to go over and over the argument that you
just had or to imagine conversations you would like to have with the person where
you win and they are reduced to a blubbering mass of apologies. Alternatively you
might start listing all the crimes you feel that they have committed against you in your
head. All these things will keep the rage you feel simmering away nicely but might
not be the most useful thing in terms of resolving the matter!

Instead of focusing on the other person try to concentrate on yourself. What did you
bring with you into this situation which might have formed a backdrop to the conflict
that unfolded? What things do you need to be aware of on your side of the
discussion?

What are the things that you have learned over your life which really make you angry
or upset? Some therapists call them 'crumple buttons' because when they get
pressed we immediately burst into tears or fly into a rage. It might be that you had a
past relationship where you found out that your partner was unfaithful. Now you are
too alert to any sign that your current partner might be doing the same. It might be
that, as a child, you were always being told that you were too bossy, or too lazy. If
something your partner says gets too uncomfortably close to sounding like they are
criticizing you for that then you panic and want to deny it at all costs. Often we're not
even aware of what our buttons are until they get pressed. It is a very good idea to try
to be aware of 'our stuff' in relationships and make sure that we're not blaming the
other person when really it is our own hang.ups that we are so wound up about.

Think What your Emotions are Telling You
If we feel angry, indignant, frustrated or hurt during an argument we should see these
feelings as helpful because they are telling us what important to us. For example, if
you find yourself fuming over the washing up then it is useful to probe what those
feelings are about. Perhaps it is because you strongly value equality in the
relationship and it feels like it is really your partner’s turn to wash up. Perhaps it is
because you value your freedom to relax in the evenings and your partner’s rule that
the washing up has to be done straight after you’ve eaten is not the way you would
choose to do things.

When you have figured out what you are feeling and what lies behind it you begin to
see the story that you are telling about the conflict and why you might be doing so.
Your partner was late home and didn’t text you to say when she would be arriving.
Your story is that she couldn’t be bothered to let you know even thought she knew
you were cooking a nice meal for you both. You took this as a sign that she clearly
doesn’t care as much about you as you do about her, and this made you scared that
she doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do and that you might lose her.

Once you’ve thought about the story that you are telling, you can begin to consider
the alternative stories there might be: those that your partner is probably telling
themselves, as well as other stories that might fit the circumstances as well as, or
better than, your story.

When we first get on our own it might be difficult to do such a calm investigation of
ourselves. Some people find it useful to punch a pillow, run round the block, take a
brisk walk or otherwise release the strong feelings they have before they start to
think. Writing a letter that we don’t intend to send can be useful to get out our story
and all the things we might like to say in the heat of the moment. Some find the
meditation or journal.writing techniques useful to get into a calm place.

Develop Compassion and Imagine Alternative Ways of Seeing the Situation
 
Once we have understood the story that we are telling about events it is useful to
think through the alternative stories that the other person might be telling. We need to
be wary of deciding that they must definitely be understanding things in a certain way
until we’ve actually heard their version of events, but it can help us to empathise with
them later if we can at least begin to understand that the way we see things is not the
only way, and that they might have an equally valid way.

Going back to the example of your partner being late home, alternative stories that
you might want to consider include: her mobile phone being out of battery so she
can’t contact you; her not knowing that you were cooking a meal (did you actually tell
her?) or having forgotten it (remembering the things that you have probably forgotten
about her in the past); or her getting into a good conversation and enjoying an
evening doing something separate to you (just as you may enjoy an evening out with
your other friends). Empathy is about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and
imagining the ways in which they might be seeing things and how they might make
complete sense to them. It is about having the compassion to see that we are not the
only one who might be feeling bad, and thinking about the values the other person
has and how they may also feel under threat.

When we are in the midst of the conflict it can be a lot harder to see the other
person’s point of view. When we are trying to come up with possible alternative
stories it is worth thinking about what we know about this person we are so close to.
What are their buttons? What do they value?
How might we react if we had their values and rules? Quickly we might see that what
seemed like them being cold was actually them feeling insecure and wanting us to
reach out to them, or what seemed like them being angry at us was actually all about
the situation reminding of something hurtful in their past. We can then go into a
conversation prepared to recognize how it might have been for them and to offer
reassurance in the areas they are vulnerable on.

Meet the Other Person

Many therapists suggest that it is useful to schedule a time to have a discussion
following a conflict or when there is something important and potentially difficult that
one person wants to bring up. Start by picking a time when each person is free and
won't be disturbed, and also giving time beforehand for each person to prepare and
organize their thoughts.. It is much easier for people to put their stuff to one side if
they know that it there is a planned time for when it will be dealt with.

Reconnect and Build Empathy
 
You might think it should be easy to be kind and empathize with a partner: after all,
don’t we love them and know them really well? But the old cliché of the fine line
between love and hate comes in here, and it does seem that we are very capable of
switching to seeing our partner as our enemy in arguments. It can be a good idea to
put aside some time to connect with each other before a potentially tough
conversation and to focus on being kind to each other during this time. If we’ve just
had a nice meal out together where we’ve made an effort to hear all about the other
person’s day, or if we’ve just spend some time giving each other long pampering foot
massages, it might be harder to be cruel to the other person or to try to score points off them.

Relationship therapists often recommend that, when you do talk about the issue,
each person is given a set amount of time to tell their story and explain things from
their perspective without interruption. This tends to work pretty well. Try setting a
timer so that each person gets five or ten minutes. Make sure that you stick to the
one issue and end on time to let the other person have their turn. Here is advice for
what to do when it is your turn to talk and when it is your turn to listen.

Your Turn to Talk

When you are telling your side of things the key thing to remember is to ‘own your
emotions. It is very tempting to put our emotions onto other people and to blame
them for ‘making us feel’ angry, hurt or upset. Stick with ‘I messages’, which don’t
include any accusations or blame. So instead of saying ‘you made me feel rotten
when you told me off like a child,’ you might say ‘I felt bad when you said that I didn’t
pull my weight around the house’.

It is much easier for the other person to listen to us and to empathize if we talk this
way. If we blame them then they are likely to want to defend themselves, but if we
just say that we feel angry or sad or scared it is easier for them to show that they
understand that feeling and sympathize us without having to take all the blame for it.
Make sure that the words you use accurately reflect your feelings. Don’t say you felt
‘a bit annoyed’ if you actually felt furious.

A good thing to avoid in such situations is generalizations: saying that someone
'always' does something, or 'never' says something, or claiming that 'everyone else'
behaves in a certain way. Taking things to extremes and making those kinds of
comparisons are seldom useful.

It is also worth avoiding deliberately pushing the other person’s buttons. We might
not like to admit that we do it, but it can be tempting in an argument to poke at
something that we know is a sore spot for the other person.

When you talk about your side of things it is a good time to take responsibility for the
parts of it that you do feel you are responsible for (but not so much that you are
taking all the blame, because there is likely to be responsibility on both sides).

If you are criticizing somebody then try to start and end by saying something positive.
Don't just tell them what you think they are doing wrong, but be clear what you would
rather they did and own your feelings: 'When you do X, I feel Y, and what I'd rather
you did was Z'.

Your Turn to Listen

When we argue with other people, the two phrases that often come into our minds
(usually in a very angry tone of voice) are ‘you just don’t understand!’ and ‘how could
you?’. The point of explaining clearly and openly is to give the other person as much
chance as possible of being able to understand where we are coming from (so they
just do understand). The point of listening well to the other person is to come up with
an answer to the question: ‘how could you?’. When we ask the question in our minds,
or in the heat of an argument, we are usually completely disinterested in hearing an
answer: it is purely a rhetorical question. But imagine the question removed of all its
heat and aggression. This is the person we love and care about and generally think
is a wonderful human being. How could they say what they said or do what they did?
If we can ask ourselves that question in a genuinely interested way we will see that
there are probably many reasonable and understandable answers. They haven’t
become a monster overnight therefore it is most likely that they were in a difficult
situation. Let’s find out how that was for them.

Many conflicts escalate because people just really want to be heard and aren’t being.
The point of listening to somebody is to truly try to hear them: to understand them
and to show them that we get what they are saying. Remember that you don’t need
to say that you see things the same way, or to come round to agreeing with them.
What hearing somebody is about is about showing that you’re open to accepting that
they might see things differently to the way you do, and showing that you are moved
by their suffering. These things can be extremely powerful and are likely to put the
other person in a frame of mind to hear you too.

Listening to the other person involves avoiding interrupting them or making it about
your stuff. It is also good to show that you are listening with your body (turn towards
them, meet their eyes and nod appropriately), and to say ‘uhuh’ and ‘mmhm’ in
relevant places! When you ask questions to find out more about their story make
sure that they are questions rather than accusations or challenges. Try to enter the
conversation from a place of curiosity. Your job is to really get into their head and
understand where they are coming from. Try to build up the most complete picture
that you can about what it was like for them. Ask ‘so how did you feel when I wasn’t
there at the party when you arrived?’ or ‘what went through your head when I said
you work too hard?’

When they seem to have finished it is also good to ask whether there is anything else
they want to say. Remember to give them plenty of time to think and answer rather
than leaping in.

Finally, it can be very useful for you to summarize what you’ve heard to show that
you’ve really got it, and to check whether it is accurate or whether they want to add
any more. Reflect back what they’ve said to you, appreciate how they feel, and make
it clear that however they do is an acceptable and understandable response.

Finding the Win Win Solution
 
Once you have both had your say and listened thoroughly to the other person you
may well find that there is nothing left to do. Often the entire conflict can be about
wanting to be heard and understood. However, obviously there are some
circumstances in which decisions do need to be reached and people have differing
goals. It might well be necessary to have several discussions about an issue. Once
you've finished one discussion make sure you stop talking about it until the next time
and try to spend some time doing something you enjoy together.

We are trying to find ‘win win’ solutions in which both people feel heard and the way
forward takes everyone’s needs into consideration. It can be difficult to find 'win win'
in seemingly incompatible aims. What do we do if one person wants to move out of
the city and the other wants to stay living there? Or if people have different goals
regarding having children? Or if one person wants an open relationship and the
other doesn't. One suggestion is that after listening to each other, we write a list –
together – of all the possible solutions, even those that might seem ridiculous. Then
each person, in turn, crosses out suggestions that they feel they just couldn’t live
with. After that you decide together to try one solution for a given length of time, after
which you will re.evaluate and either stick with it a while longer or try something else.

Guidelines for discussions:

Take time out beforehand to think about where you are coming from and to
try to develop compassion for the other person.
.
Come in prepared to really listen to the other person, not to interrupt and not
to say anything deliberately hurtful.
.
Come with an agenda of what you want to say.
.
Try to stick to one issue rather than bringing in lots of issues.
.
Put a time aside when you won't be disturbed: at least half an hour.
.
Turn off phones and other distractions.
.
Give each person ten minutes (you might want to use a timer to stick to time).
.
Try to own your feelings and take responsibility when you are talking.
.
Try to really listen and empathize when they are talking.
.
Don't keep on discussing if it isn't going anywhere. Schedule another time to
talk and make sure you spend some positive time together in the mean time.
.
Once you have both said what you want to say and are ready to think about
solutions, try writing down all possible solutions and then going through the
list together removing any that don't meet both people's needs.

Stuck in a Rut

Stuck in a rut
 
Changes
People don't stay the same and neither do relationships. One of the things that couples cite over and over again is how their sex life changes. In the early years sex is often urgent and exciting. Many couples will grab every opportunity they can to make love and sex is often a big part of their relationship. But inevitably the falling in love stage matures and sex matures as well. For some couples this can bring feelings of anxiety. But as long as you recognize that this is a natural part of a relationship then both of you can make the necessary adjustments.

Living together
The first noticeable change often coincides with living together. When you know that you'll see each other tomorrow - and the next day and the next day - sex becomes less urgent. You're also likely to be seeing a lot more of each other's daily living habits. Cutting toenails, unblocking drains and collapsing exhausted from work can detract from the mystery and familiarity tends to settle in. You may also have children around which can make it harder to find the time and the privacy that you used to enjoy.
Living together brings challenges to any couple and it's very common for couples to begin to argue as they negotiate the rules and roles of their relationship. This extra tension often means that neither partner feels in the mood for sex.

Long Term Relationships
Sex in a long term relationship does not have to get stuck in a rut. Whether or not you find sex boring is often more about attitude than the things you actually do. As your relationship continues to mature - sex matures as well, but like a fine wine, it can become richer and fruitier! As you get to know each other more and more, a deeper trust develops. You're less likely to feel inhibited and you can look forward to a new stage of sexual experimentation. Without the initial insecurities, you can take the time to learn to become great lovers together.

Keeping Sex Sexy
If your sex life seems to be slipping into a rut then you and your partner need to make a commitment to getting things back on track again. You'll both need to accept that sex changes over time and the mere sight of their partner may no longer send you into a lustful frenzy. And you'll need to commit to not letting sex become predictable. As your relationship continues to mature, you need to agree that you will make more effort - not less.

Couples who still enjoy a great sex life after 10, 20 or even 50 years together, aren't lucky - they're committed. They recognize the boredom traps and get out of them fast.

They commit to being romantic and seductive with each other, no matter how well they know each other.
They make an effort to always look their best and make time to enjoy each others company.
They make touch and loving words important parts of their daily routine.
They agree not to fall for the myth that great sex has to be spontaneous.
Regardless of how busy their diaries get, they make time to be sensual and sexual.
And they certainly don't fall for the myth that lust equals love - they know that they must take responsibility for their own sexual desire, and also find new ways to turn each other on.

Tips for beating sexual boredom

• Make an effort to always look your best for your partner and keep yourself in good health
• Take any and every opportunity to be romantic, to touch, to share loving words
• Change the scenery - bathroom, living room, alfresco
• Watch an erotic movie together to get you in the mood or share an erotic story
• Experiment with new sexual positions
• Introduce a new sex toy
• Change the way you initiate sex - maybe something more daring or more romantic
• Play some role play sex games
• Learn a new stimulation technique

Couples Therapy – Why? and How?

Couples Therapy – Why? and How?

Couples often come to therapy polarized by reactivity and power struggles that make them feel increasingly disconnected. Trapped in a stalemate that they are unable to change on their own, they invite the therapist into the intimacy of their struggles, hoping for a new direction. It is the work of the therapist to understand the complex interactions and experience of the couple caught up in stalemate or an ‘impasse’. The therapist’s approach helps to identify the couple’s pattern and investigate and challenge emotional undercurrents that might be fueling and informing their dynamics. In working with couples’ impasses in the here and now, the goal is to help the partners move from being reactive to being more able to discuss, and from a view of themselves as victim and villain to positions of increased responsibility and personal agency. The process of change is facilitated by awareness, behavioral changes and negotiations, and the creation of alternative scripts based on greater empathy and connectedness. 


In the course of a life together, couples often deal with  dilemmas in their relationship that spring from their differences or from situations in which their wishes and needs are not in sync. These quandaries may cause distress; they can even break up the relationship. In these situations, stressful as they may be, the partners often have a clear understanding of their issues and differences and are able to see each other’s perspective, negotiate, and move on.


By contrast, many couples come to therapy feeling stuck, caught up in impasses that are characterized by intense reactivity and escalation, rigid positions of each partner, irrationality, and the repetitive recurrence of the same dynamics in the relationship. While caught up in one of these impasses, the partners are unable to empathize and see the other’s perspective. They feel offended and violated by the other’s behavior, and become increasingly defensive, disconnected, and entangled in power struggles and misunderstandings. These impasses involve vulnerability and confusion, and they tend to become more pervasive over time, taking up more and more space in the relationship.


Even when the presenting problem is a straightforward situational dilemma, a couple’s differences sometimes derail into a core impasse in which their attempts to talk and negotiate with each other become part of the problem. In the therapist’s view, a core impasse is experienced as such a difficult entanglement because it involves the activation of past hurts and survival strategies, which complicates the couple’s process. This activation may include emotional overlaps of meanings between their present situation and experiences in the past, or between their present situation and a current painful experience of one or both partners in another context. Core impasses may also spring from tensions related to power inequities and disconnections based on gender or cultural differences.


Core impasses can serve as a gateway to the exploration and deconstruction of key dynamics in the couple’s relationship. The very nature of the impasse–its thick texture of misunderstandings and entanglements, often based in the past history of the couple and of their prior relational experiences–yields rich potential for greater awareness and change. In identifying the impasse and coming to understand the various strands embedded in it, the couple and therapist have an opportunity to learn more about each partner and to transform the couple’s core dilemmas.


In working with a couple in a core impasse, the overall goal is to help them move from highly reactive positions to more reflective ones, from automatic actions and reactions to greater differentiation, awareness, and flexibility. The term “reflectivity” refers to an individual’s ability to pause and be thoughtful and planful before acting or communicating. In facilitating reflectivity, the therapist helps each partner to feel more empowered and empathic, and to have more options and choices in these critical moments of their interpersonal process.

About the Author

I am a British Couples Therapist specializing in relationship and sexual issues. I can help you with conflict, sexual difficulties, divorce or separation, loss of intimacy, the impact of a new baby or an affair and its aftermath. I trained as a couples therapist in Cambridge, England gaining a Graduate Certificate in Marital and Couples Counseling and a Post Graduate Diploma in Couples Therapy, University of East London. I ran a private practice in couples psychotherapy in London and LA and now have relocated to DC. Call (202) 657-6919 for an appointment. 1932 2nd Street NE Washington, DC 20002‎ Trina@CoupleCounselingDC.com www.CoupleCounselingDC.com 7:30 am – 8:00 pm Weekdays

The top 5 reasons people come to Sex Therapy

 
One in four of us are dissatisfied by our sex lives. Yet there’s still a big stigma about going to Sex Therapy. Many people find the idea of speaking to a complete stranger about sex to be embarrassing. Some think that they should be able to sort out any problems they’re having by themselves.
But Sex Therapy actually has a very high satisfaction rate. People are often surprised by how effective it is. If you think you might benefit from Sex Therapy, why not come in for an initial consultation? Your counselor will talk you through what it involves and how it can help. Here are some of the most common reasons that people come in for.

"I’ve gone off it"

This is by far the most common issue that people attend Sex Therapy to address. When we ‘go off’ sex with someone we enjoyed it with in the past, it can be mystifying, confusing and very unsettling.
Discovering when things changed is often the first stage of recovery. Then we can start to uncover why. Many life events can impact our sexual lives and responses - moving in together, losing a job, having a baby, grieving – the list is long.
A sex therapist can help you work together to find out what will help you in approaching issues, taking time to understand what is happening for you. You will create a way forward that feels comfortable or maybe even exciting. This process may take a while but it’s important to stick with it - nurturing a long term fulfilling sexual relationship is something that happens over time.

"I can’t come"

Both individuals and couples, men and women, may experience this. It may be that you have never experienced an orgasm - or that you can’t any more.
Sex doesn’t have to end with climax, but if you do want this to happen, anxiety about getting it ‘right’, feeling angry or upset or not being sure any more about what works sexually for you can all contribute towards difficulty.
A sex therapist can help you to discover or rediscover what works for you through designing a series of tasks to do at home and helping you to talk openly with your partner - to communicate what works and what doesn’t.

Painful sex

It may be that, for a woman, intercourse simply hurts. In some cases, this can make it very difficult or even impossible to have penetrative sex.
Having the chance to just talk about the issue may in itself bring some relief. Your sex therapist will help you to explore your reactions to sex and get a more thorough understanding of your sense of pleasure and pain. They may also talk to you about opportunities for medical checks to rule out any physical cause.

"I can’t get (or keep) it up"

This is a very common problem for men – and something that most will experience at some point during their lives. An inability to get or maintain an erection can result from illness, surgery or trauma - or it may have been something you’ve always had problems with. Often just the anxiety of ‘will it work this time’ can make things worse.
Sex Therapy can be very helpful in revealing the best approach to address this problem. This can happen in combination with prescribed medication, or it may be that that the process of talking things through is enough to help things begin to change.

"I come too soon"

Once in a while, this may not be a big problem, but if it continues regularly it can make it difficult to maintain a satisfying sex life.
Coming too soon is something that lots of people worry about and can sometimes be caused by feeling anxious or not feeling fully focused on what's going on. The good news is that Sex Therapy can really help by taking you through a series of tasks and exercises that help you take back control and last longer.

Communication Tips

One of the most common objectives couples share when they come to me for counseling is to improve their communication.
When communication breaks down it can feel frustrating and painful. I have noticed at these times it’s mostly the 'feeling heard' part of communication that is going wrong. Over time this can become really destructive to your relationship, so here's my top three communication tips that you can try for yourselves at home.

1. Use ‘I feel…’ statements

I feel sad/ angry/ happy/ lonely/ upset…when you…what can we do about it?
Using ‘I feel’ statements, rather than ‘you…’ is taking ownership of your feelings rather than attacking, criticizing or blaming your partner.
For example: ‘I feel lonely when you come home and go straight on your computer.’
Rather than: ‘You never spend any time with me, all you do is sit there and stare at your stupid computer!’ 
A statement that starts with ‘I feel’ is easier for your partner to hear as they are not immediately on the defence. If they are able to remain open to what you are expressing, you can then follow this up with a request that would address this for you such as:
‘When you get home, could we spend a bit of time together before you go on your computer so we can catch up and tell each other about our day?’

2. Take turns

Sometimes in my sessions, I interrupt arguing clients by getting up from my seat, picking up the tissue box, and putting it into one person’s hands.
I recognize that without context this sounds like totally bizarre behavior. It would certainly work to confuse and disrupt a fight if you didn’t know what had been previously agreed about this moment.
Some couples can quickly get caught up in escalating conflict. If I have noticed this, I would draw attention to it and ask the couple for their ideas, or permission to help stop and refocus the discussion.
One rule we sometimes set up is that whoever is holding the tissue box gets to speak and the other listens without interrupting them. This helps to calm the conversation down and keeps them from talking all over each other.
At home you could try the same thing. You could use any agreed object like a bunch of keys, an ornament, a pillow - use your imagination.
When you are holding the object it’s your turn to speak and when you have finished, you pass the object back to your partner who then takes their turn. This helps to create a safe space for you to speak and listen to each other.

3. Make time to talk and listen

If you have problems talking to your partner about certain subject matters without the conversation becoming heated, upsetting, or emotionally charged, here is an exercise you can try to provide some structure to your discussion. The focus of this exercise is for you to feel heard and connected and to find a solution together.
You can incorporate tips 1 and 2 above here, where you use ‘I feel’ statements and having an object that you hold to indicate it is your turn to speak.
Person A: Speak for 1 minute (use ‘I feel…’ statements)
Try to maintain eye contact or even hold hands if that feels comfortable enough. It will help you remain connected and in touch with each other.
Person B: ‘I heard you say…’
Person B then reflects back exactly what they heard Person A say. This is not an opportunity to reply or respond yet. The objective here is for person A to know that they have been heard.
Person B: ‘What was the most important thing that you want me to hear?’
Person B then gives person A the chance to clarify their thoughts and feelings, which in turn gives person B a chance to really understand what person A is trying to communicate.
Person B: ‘Why?’
By asking why, Person B demonstrates respect and the desire to understand what person A is saying without judging, reacting, defending or blaming. Person A then feels heard, understood, cared for and connected to person B.
Person B: ‘What can we do about it?’
It's now problem-solving time. By asking what can we do, Person B is being collaborative and shows person A ‘we are in this together.’ Person A feels connected to person B and not so alone with their feelings. Each of you can now take turns to make suggestions about how to negotiate the issue together.
After this you can swap over and then Person B speaks with person A going through the reflection and questions in the same way.
Put a limit on the problem solving time, if you don't come up with a solution within ten minutes, leave it and take some time to think about it separately. Agree a time where you can revisit the issue, perhaps the next day. Then go and do something fun together.

Change comes with time

As you learn to change your communication patterns over time this will start to become more natural and normal to the way you interact. In turn this will reduce the misunderstandings and offences between you as you work towards a stronger, healthier relationship.

4 Communication Habits to Avoid in your Relationship

A post taken from Relate.org.uk blog.....

It's all too easy to pick up negative communication habits when it comes to relationships. Who can say they've never raised their voice in an argument? Or unfairly accused their partner of something? Or even refused to engage in a discussion at all?
The thing is, if we're not careful, these kinds of behaviors can create real difficulties. They can turn small problems into big ones, cultivate simmering, long term resentments and ultimately make it trickier to resolve things when a real crisis comes along.
It's only by paying close attention to how well we're communicating with our partner that we can nip stuff like this in the bud. Here's my list of four of the most common negative communication habits and how to avoid them.

Freezing them out
We've all been there. Our partner comes into the room, sees we're in a bad mood and asks us what's wrong. And what do we say? 'Nothing.'
For some reason, many of us have a tendency to assume our partner should be able to know exactly what we're thinking without us telling them. It's as if we're testing them - asking them to prove they know us well enough to diagnose our feelings without any kind of verbal cue.
In reality, all this does is leave everybody feeling put out. The person being given the silent treatment feels like they're being put in an unreasonable position and may become defensive. And the person giving it only makes their bad mood worse, convincing themselves that their partner has failed to rise to the test.
If there's an issue that needs to be resolved, talking is always better than saying nothing. Be brave and be forthright: if it's something that's actually important to you, then repressing your concerns will only cause problems further down the line.

Failing to take responsibility
When you're annoyed with your partner, it can be tempting to act as if everything is their fault. We don't like to acknowledge that every disagreement has two sides to it - and it can be difficult to accept that there may be whole lot of stuff we could be doing to make things easier.
But you're much likely to be able to resolve problems if you take responsibility for your part in them.
If you find yourself phrasing concerns in terms of what your partner could be doing differently, saying things like 'you always' or 'you never', stop - and try using 'I' words instead: 'I feel', 'I would like' and so on. This will help you focus on your own feelings - and communicate to your partner that you're willing to see both sides of the discussion.

Not controlling your emotions
It's no surprise that many of us lose our temper talking things over with our partner. It can be scary to think about what will happen if we disagree on something really important. Overstating our case can sometimes feel safer than actually opening up a dialogue.
But shouting or using aggressive language won't help your partner to understand you any better. In fact, the opposite is much more likely the case.
It's much better to try to control how we express ourselves. Be careful not to raise your voice if your can help it, and watch out for using negative or aggressive body language. Things tend to go a lot better if both parties feel they're being listened to - not attacked.

Not picking your battles
Is what you're arguing about actually something that's important to you? If you find yourself fighting over every little thing, your relationship may end up becoming a seething battleground of defensive behavior - and your partner will struggle to take you seriously when it comes to something you actually feel strongly about.
Learning to let go of the little things can be as important as learning how to talk about the big ones. If it's something that, really, isn't really that big of a deal, try to give your partner a little bit of leeway. After all, there's probably a lot of stuff you do that annoys them too!

Putting it into practice
In this video our counselor Graham helps Tom and Sinead to use some of these tips so they can work together and talk properly.

Find out more
Are you finding it hard to communicate with your partner? Contact Trina@couplecounselingdc.com

5 lies to stop telling yourself about your relationship

There are things people believe about relationships that are simply not true and don't help us to have healthy happy relationships. I call these relationship myths.
In this post, I'm going to be 'busting' the top 5 relationship myths that I regularly hear couples bring into the counseling room.

1. 'Relationships should be easy' or 'It shouldn't be this hard'

Really? Where did this idea come from? If we think this is true, every time an issue comes up to test or challenge us, we will hit a wall. Believing this will set you up to fail.
The fact is, sometimes relationships and human experiences are complicated, painful and difficult, but similarly the feelings of love and connection are also so amazing that it makes the tough times worth working through. It's the hardships that make you stronger and help you grow both as a couple and as individuals.
If you do feel like you've reached a standstill on an issue talking to a therapist can give you both the space you need to discuss any concerns that you have.

2. 'We should be able to work this out on our own'

I often meet people who come into the counseling room with a resistance to the concept of needing therapy. They believe that if they are meant to be together, they should be able to work it out on their own without the need for any external help.
This is a frustrating place to start from. I mean, if you didn't learn at home from your family, get taught at school, or just magically happen to be good at relationships, then how on earth are you supposed to just know?
It's quite an expectation to have of yourself and your partner, when relationships, emotions and human beings are such complex, magnificent things. Relationships are a work in progress and a skill, just like everything else in life, you need to learn and practice and sometimes a little help is all you need.

3. 'Arguing is bad'

All couples argue; it's a normal, healthy part of being in a relationship and I'd be more worried if a couple said they never argued because I'd be thinking, are there issues being bottled up?
It's not necessarily arguing that's bad; it's more to do with the way you argue and resolve conflict that can be bad. If your arguments are very intense and damaging and there's no apology and resolution to them, then arguments can feel very threatening in your relationship.
Relationship Counseling can help you to look at how to communicate more fairly and effectively so arguments are not so scary and bad, but can actually be seen as useful in getting issues resolved.
If you want to learn more about how you and your partner argue try our Arguments Check-up quiz

4. 'We should be having sex all the time'

Some couples worry that they are not having as much sex as they think they should be. When I ask what's going on in their lives, they tell me about young children, work, study, travel, running households etc. and I'm not surprised that sex has dropped off the agenda.
Realistically our sex lives will ebb and flow according to the demands on our energy and time. If you're having loads of sex, everywhere, all the time, in lots of different positions, that's great! But I would say you're in the minority rather than that being the 'norm' for most couples.
At a purely physical level if you're very stressed and tired, all your blood will be rushing away from your genitals and the last thing you will feel like doing is having sex. This may not have anything to do with attraction to your partner or the state of your relationship.
Often it's the worry that you're not having sex that puts pressure on you. If you can talk about the fact that it's actually ok and take the pressure off yourselves, you might find when you relax, that's when the sexual feelings come back.
If you do want to improve your sex life,  Sex Therapy  can help you either create a more fulfilling sex life together, or give you a little kick start in reigniting the passion.

5. 'If they love me, they'll change'

This is often the underlying feeling clients bring into the counseling room. I often see couples in limbo, unable to progress because they are caught in an internal struggle between what they want their partners to be and who they actually are.
Just because somebody loves you, doesn't mean that they can be someone they're not, or give you something they don't have. Even if they want to, it's like asking a cat to be a dog, or a poor person to give you a million pounds.
Saying that, of course there's room to grow and negotiate, but both parties have to be open to doing this for the relationship to work. But what it comes down to is you may have to accept your partner for who they are, or recognise that the relationship is not going to work long term and find someone who does meet your needs and gives you what you want.

How we can can help

I hope exposing these myths will help you think a little clearer next time you start worrying about what's going on in your relationship. That said, if you are concerned about issues in your relationship don't try to deal with it alone, talk to a trained couples therapist.

4 reasons sex is good for you

4 reasons sex is good for you.

Some might say it’s overrated, but why is sex just so important in a romantic relationship? Here are my top four reasons why sex is so great, why we need it, and why it’s good for us and our relationships. So if you’re looking for excuses to get busy, you’ve come to right place!

1. Sex reduces stress Sex provides us with an all-important timeout from the pressures of everyday life and studies have shown that, ‘Increasing warm touch among couples has a beneficial influence on multiple stress-sensitive systems.’ Researchers have found that a night of passion with your loved one can flood the brain with feelgood chemicals that relax the brain, reduces stress levels and even dull pain. So next time you’re feeling cranky, tired and stressed out, instead of just rolling over and going to sleep, try to reach out to your partner and share the benefits of a stress-busting session in bed together.

2. Sex helps us to bond

Here comes the science… Bonding behaviors such as kissing, hugging and touching release a hormone called oxytocin, which is also released when we orgasm. Oxytocin relaxes our natural defensive systems by soothing a part of the brain called the amygdala, which controls our stress responses. The comforting feelings produced by oxytocin help us to feel close to our partners and deepen our bonds with them, keeping us feeling safe, close and connected. In a study on a group of men who were given either a dose of oxytocin or a placebo, researchers found that oxytocin release made it easier for men to act in a positive and loving way towards their sexual partners. Feeling safe and trusting our partner is so important in maintaining a strong relationship and it’s been found that the more frequent and dependable the flow of oxytocin produced, as a result of regular physical contact, the easier it is to sustain a relationship. This links back to a previous post I wrote about connection being more important than communication. If you're flooded with oxytocin your defensiveness will be down and you will feel much more connected and loving towards each other.

3. Sex is unique to your relationship

Relate Sex Therapists will tell you that sex is the one thing that is special and unique to a couple relationship that you don’t experience with anyone else. It allows you to share a level of closeness, vulnerability and intimacy that help you bond and connect in a way that you don’t do in any other relationship in your life. This is the part of your relationship that is exclusively yours and no one else’s.

4. Sex is good for your health

 There have been many studies proving that regular sex can boost your immune system, lower your blood pressure, improve cardiovascular fitness and reduce the risk of heart attack. Having more sex can even be good for your libido, so the more you have, the more you’ll enjoy it! Remember: Sex is more than just intercourse Finally, don’t limit yourself by thinking about sex as just the physical act of intercourse; sex is so much more than that and can be anything you imagine. Stroking, touching, kissing, caressing, cuddling, holding hands or any way that you physically comfort and offer each other pleasure can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life. So get exploring!

Find out more If you’re not completely satisfied with your sex life, I can help. You can call me on 202 657 6919

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

How can an affair be forgiven?

 

It is vital that you both understand the real reasons why it happened. To do this you will have to talk about what had been going on between you in the time leading up to the affair. This can be very painful, but unless you know what went wrong, you won't be able to change things in the future. Be patient. Rebuilding trust that has been broken can take a long time.

What helps to mend a relationship?

• The unfaithful partner must end the affair, once and for all.
• Talk it through. This process may take days, weeks, or longer.
• Don't talk on for hours and hours - you'll just go round in circles.
• Set a time limit, and don't talk when you're tired.
• Agree to also discuss future problems, instead of just hoping they'll go away.
• Make a commitment to a new future together. Both partners must do this, and mean it.
• Find more time for each other, take more interest in each others' lives and feelings.
• Try to sort out sexual problems.
• Consider relationship counselling.

Long-term effects of an affair

Only you can decide what to do in the aftermath of an affair, and whatever you decide will not be easy. Many affairs cause havoc in a relationship that is already dogged with problems. Affairs do sometimes provoke far-reaching changes that eventually strengthen and enhance the relationship. The cost can be very high, however.

An affair can also have destructive effects on your family. Children, in-laws, friends, may all find themselves caught up in events, and perhaps having to take sides. Permanent barriers can be created. Even so, an affair does not always mean the end of your relationship. With hard work, commitment and patience, it may be possible to come through this crisis changed, but also stronger.

The key message is to understand why the affair happened, rather than running away from the reasons. Whether you stay together or part, it is crucial to gather some insights into what went wrong. Do this, and if you remain together you will have a deeper understanding of yourselves. If you part, you will know that you had the courage to face the truth, and will be better prepared for future relationships.