Trina Dolenz Therapist

I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner

2012-02-28T10:54:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner. What can we do

Although they can be painful and unpleasant arguments are common in all kinds of relationships. But disagreements don't have to end in hostile silence or a screaming match. Learning ways of handling discussions on emotive topics and looking out for the patterns and triggers in your arguments can really help you improve the situation.
Find out why you argue
Think about what you're really arguing about. On the surface it could be about money, sex, housework, disciplining children or other family matters. But question what you are really arguing about? You could compare an argument to an onion; the outer layer is the issue you are actually talking about, deeper layers represent other areas, and understanding these can help you work out why rows sometimes escalate out of all proportion to the original problem.
It might help you to think about your physical feelings, stress or tiredness can intensify a fight. Or think about how other people's input might fuel your anger.
When you can't stop arguing If your conflict is rooted in intractable problems, it may be hard, or even impossible, to alter the pattern. If you recognise any of these factors, you need to find support and help, whether from friends, family or getting in touch with a therapist.

Your lives are moving in totally different directions.
Alcoholism, drug addiction or other problems feature in your relationship.
One of you is having an affair.
One of you no longer loves the other, or has actually decided to leave.

One of the most serious outcomes of arguing is when a couple comes to blows or one partner physically attacks another. If physical violence is a feature of your relationship, you need to seek help urgently. The national Domestic Violence Helpline website has information, help and support for anyone affected by domestic violence.
How you argue
There are as many ways of having an argument as there are couples who argue. Some common and highly destructive patterns are:

Stonewalling: total withdrawal and refusal to discuss the issue. Partner feels unvalued and unheard.
Criticism: Commenting negatively on the other's behavior, over and above the current problem. 'You're always so forgetful.' Partner feels attacked and threatened.
Contempt: Sneering, belligerence or sarcasm. 'You think you're so clever.' Partner feels humiliated and belittled.
Defensiveness: Aggressively defending and justifying self to partner. 'You haven't got a clue just how much I have to remember every day.' Partner feels attacked. Row escalates.

Changing the way you tackle rows Think about the ways you and your partner argue, then think about how you would like to change these. Notice how easily you slip into familiar routines of arguing, almost without thinking. Talk this over with your partner if you can, but if that feels too difficult, go ahead and start changing away. Your partner's reactions will alter in response to yours.
Aim for a 'win-win' style of disagreeing, where no one feels they've lost. This will let both partners:

outline their own needs
listen to each other's needs
talk flexibly about solutions that give each of them enough of what they want.

Six steps to handling arguments constructively

If you want to raise a tricky topic with your partner, start the discussion amicably. Don't go in with all guns firing, or with a sarcastic or critical comment. For instance, in the example of overspending, say, 'Can we talk about the credit card bill - we need to work out a spending limit that suits us both', not, 'I'm furious about that bill - why do you go over the top every time?'
Try to understand your partner's reactions, and remember that you are not just arguing about the 'surface' problem. If your partner says, 'Just let me take care of the money, will you', remember that perhaps in their childhood their role model controlled all household affairs. It will need careful and sensitive negotiation, over a period of time, to alter this pattern of expectations.
Respect your partner's views, even if you are annoyed. Instead of saying, 'I'm not a child!' try, 'I know it's important to you to feel able to spend as and when you like, but I need to have a say in how our money is used, too'.
Take responsibility for your own emotions. Why you are so upset? Has something from the past been stirred up by this latest row? Do you fear loss of control in other aspects of your life? Saying, 'You make me so angry...' places the blame for your feelings squarely on to your partner. Yes, his or her behaviour may have triggered your feelings, but their depth may have little to do with the current problem.
Keep tabs on physical feelings, which warn you if you are close to losing control. A knot in the stomach, breathlessness, tears, all spell trouble. Leave the room, and take time to calm down.
Be prepared to compromise. Often the only way to reach a win-win solution is for both partners to give some ground. Don't stick rigidly to your desired outcome. Check out what your partner wants to achieve - don't take it for granted that you already know. Then tell him or her what it is you are hoping for, and explore different possibilities together until you reach a solution that both are happy with.

Future rows
These techniques really do work, and can produce major changes. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that you will never have another bad row. If it happens, look at what went wrong, think about how you could have handled it better, and aim to do better next time. Then forgive yourself, and your partner, and move on.

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

2011-06-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?

How can an affair be forgiven?

It is vital that you both understand the real reasons why it happened. To do this you will have to talk about what had been going on between you in the time leading up to the affair. This can be very painful, but unless you know what went wrong, you won't be able to change things in the future. Be patient. Rebuilding trust that has been broken can take a long time.

What helps to mend a relationship?

The unfaithful partner must end the affair, once and for all.
Talk it through. This process may take days, weeks, or longer.
Don't talk on for hours and hours - you'll just go round in circles.
Set a time limit, and don't talk when you're tired.
Agree to also discuss future problems, instead of just hoping they'll go away.
Make a commitment to a new future together. Both partners must do this, and mean it.
Find more time for each other, take more interest in each others' lives and feelings.
Try to sort out sexual problems.
Consider relationship counselling.

Long-term effects of an affair

Only you can decide what to do in the aftermath of an affair, and whatever you decide will not be easy. Many affairs cause havoc in a relationship that is already dogged with problems. Affairs do sometimes provoke far-reaching changes that eventually strengthen and enhance the relationship. The cost can be very high, however.

An affair can also have destructive effects on your family. Children, in-laws, friends, may all find themselves caught up in events, and perhaps having to take sides. Permanent barriers can be created. Even so, an affair does not always mean the end of your relationship. With hard work, commitment and patience, it may be possible to come through this crisis changed, but also stronger.

The key message is to understand why the affair happened, rather than running away from the reasons. Whether you stay together or part, it is crucial to gather some insights into what went wrong. Do this, and if you remain together you will have a deeper understanding of yourselves. If you part, you will know that you had the courage to face the truth, and will be better prepared for future relationships.

How do I move on after divorce?

2011-06-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

How do I move on after divorce?

The end of a relationship is always a difficult time. No matter who ended it or when, the future can look bleak and frightening. But life does can continue and many thousands of people go to have happy and fulfilling lives after divorce.

There are many things you'll need to focus on during this difficult time and at times it may feel overwhelming. The advice in We're separating - what now focuses on the more practical elements and My partner and I are separating. I'm worried that our kids are going to suffer. I want to sort things out with my partner so at least, we can carry on being good parents. offers advice on helping children through your separation. But as well as that, you need to focus on yourself as an individual. Deciding what you need to do to help you let go of the past and look forward to the future.

Like most people, you're likely to experience a roller coaster of emotion. Some days you may feel hopeful and maybe even relieved if your marriage had been difficult for a long time. On other days you may feel sad, angry, confused and anxious.

Understanding what went wrong is an important step towards recovery. Many people get locked into questioning: Whose fault it is? What did I do wrong? How could they do that to me? Unfortunately all this kind of questioning does is lock you into the blame game which creates more bitterness and heartache. It can sometimes be more helpful to focus on what the relationship was lacking and how the relationship failed to meet your or your partners needs, rather than blaming yourselves as individuals. Though the answers may be upsetting, the greater the understanding, the easier it will be to let go of the past and move on.

Over the coming weeks and months you need to really focus on looking after yourself. The end of a relationship can damage self esteem and self confidence. The following tips will help you to get through this difficult time and face the future with hope.

Keep talking - talking is the best way to prevent isolation and help maintain perspective. You're not alone and sharing your heartaches and victories with a trusted friend, family member or neighbour will help to carry you along.
Let yourself grieve - it's normal to feel shock when a relationship finally comes to an end and it can take time for the reality of this to settle in. You'll have good days and bad days - give yourself time.
Let go of anger. Many people feel stuck with their anger. Either angry at themselves or angry at their partner. Holding on to this anger maintains an emotional connection between you and your ex and slows up your ability to move on. Make time to Relax. Whether you prefer reading a book, going for a walk, soaking in the bath, going for a run or gardening - it really doesn't matter. Just as long as you give your body time to de-stress. And remember, laughter really is the best medicine so make sure you make time to see friends and have some fun too.
Set small goals - when times are feeling really tough it may feel as if you're getting nowhere. Setting yourself small achievable goals not only boosts feel good chemicals, but also boosts your confidence. Whether it's getting a chore out of the way, going out for the evening or starting a new project at work, it will help you to see and know that you're moving on.
Look after your health. Make sure you take regular exercise and maintain a healthy diet. Unfortunately comfort eating is more likely to make you depressed than cheer you up.
Plan ahead - write down a list of all the things you're going to do when you get through this. When you have bad days, you can use this list to remind yourself that you still have a future ahead of you.
Get help - if each day seems to be getting harder rather than better, then you may find it helpful to make an appointment to see a Relate counsellor. There are details of your local centre on this website.

Life/Work Balance

2011-06-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

Life/Work Balance

It's often observed that in spite of the vast array of modern day time-saving technologies we have less and less free time. Many couples find themselves constantly torn between the pressures of employment and personal life. We need to earn a living, but we also want quality time for our partners, our family, our friends and ourselves. It can feel as though there just aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week. And while we rush around trying to fit more and more activities into less and less time, it is often our couple relationships that suffer.

Why time is so important

When we first fall in love we spend as much time as is physically possible being together. Jokes may even be made about being 'joined at the hip'. In those early days we are desperate to get to know each other better. To share the minutiae of our daily lives, our thoughts and our feelings. And it is through this process that we get closer and feel connected.

Time together is, to a relationship, what water is, to a plant. It's how a relationship is nurtured and cared for. It's the stuff that makes it stronger and helps it to grow. To stay connected as a couple, you need to feed your relationship with time. Time to keep in touch with what's happening in your everyday lives. Time to share your hopes and dreams as well as your fears and failings. And time to have fun.

Here are some tips to help you re-align your life/work balance:

Accept Your Life Stage
There will be times in your life when you have even less time than normal. For example when you have very small children, have just started a business or are caring for an elderly relative. There may be very little that you can do to change your circumstances in times like these. But simply learning to accept where you are at and knowing that this is a phase can help you to feel less stressed and look forward to the future.

Expand Your Timetable
If it's simply not possible to fit everything into one week, then consider expanding your timetable. Rather than stressing and ultimately failing to manage that romantic evening in ever week or that long country walk, consider scheduling on a fortnightly or even monthly basis. It may not be ideal, but it may be more realistic and less likely to fail.

Get Help
If you're going through a particularly demanding time in your life, then grab as much help as you possibly can. There are a multitude of ready meals and partly prepared dishes available as well as a host of technological miracles from internet shopping to the dishwasher. If you can afford it, get a cleaner, if not rope in the family. Let the mother-in-law do the ironing, the neighbour's kid wash the car and your sister babysit. You'd do the same for them if the situation was reversed.

Don't Be A Perfectionist
Remember that when you're very busy it's better to let your standards slip than your relationship. Any meal tastes better when it's eaten together and you can't see the clutter by candlelight.

Schedule Couple time
Lot's of people feel it's far too formal to schedule time together as a couple. But sometimes making an appointment to see your partner is the only way to make it happen. The method may not be romantic, but the outcome could be.

Think Quality not Quantity
It's a cliché, but it's true. If you only have a short period of time to play with, then make every second count. Book times when you can talk as well as times when you can crash out together on the sofa and watch a film. And remember that nowadays it can be easy to keep in touch during the day. Get into the habit of exchanging text messages, making a phone call, or meeting for 10 mins in a private chat room. Do whatever you can to keep in touch.

Consider Your Priorities
If you've tried everything above and you still don't feel you have enough time as a couple, then you may have to have a long hard look at your priorities. Are there activities in your life that you should seriously consider dropping? At least for the time being. Sacrificing something you enjoy doing is always difficult - but are you willing to risk your relationship instead?

Coping with a new baby

2011-05-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

Coping with a new baby

Making the change from being a couple to being parents isn't always easy. It can be difficult to find time for yourselves, your sex life can change, you have to juggle the commitments of work and family and find a way of agreeing on how to bring up the children.

This fact sheet aims to help you if you've just had a baby but the Relate book Babyshock! explains how your relationship can be affected from the first decision to try for a baby, through pregnancy, birth and babyhood, up to the stage of caring for toddlers and young children.

When the baby comes home:

Don't keep it all to yourself. Talk to your partner, and other parents - you'll find that many of them are experiencing the same mixture of conflicting feelings.
Work with your partner to support each other through it. Take turns with the baby. When it's not your turn, don't hover - get away from the noise. Go out, if need be.
Be kind to yourself and each other, knowing that lack of sleep causes lowered tolerance and frayed tempers.
Sleeping separately can help to keep at least one of you from falling apart, but don't do it for too long. Sharing a bed is an important part of being a couple.

Living with your new family:
A new person in the home, however small they are, has an impact on the relationships of everyone who already lives there as well as on extended families. Keeping an eye on how things change can help you to be sensitive to your partners feelings and those of others around you.

Some things to look out for are:

Is someone feeling left out in your family group?
Is someone intruding in to your family set-up? How can you tackle this?
Is anyone's past experiences causing them difficulty in coping with the new situation?

If a new baby has upset your relationship:

Make time to talk. Agree on a time. It needn't be long, but choose a moment that suits you both, when you're not hungry or especially tired.
Take turns to listen to each other, uninterrupted, for a certain amount of time. One of you might talk for five or ten minutes about any particular problems and anxieties, while the other listens carefully without interrupting. Then the other partner has an equal amount of time to do the same.
It is very important not to use language that blames or criticizes the other. The object is not to attack or undermine each other, but to try and understand what the problems are. Say, "I feel abandoned when you go to the pub after work instead of coming home to me and the baby", rather than, "I'm furious that you spend so much time at the pub. You've never bothered to come home on time, and since we've had the baby things have got even worse".
When you have heard each other, go away and think about what has been said. Your first reactions may be "hot" thoughts - anger, resentment. You might feel like crying. Let these feelings pass, and focus on what your partner actually said, so that you end up with a clearer understanding of his or her feelings. Then, when you're ready, use your insights to talk the problem through again calmly. Try to move towards a solution that satisfies you both.
Don't give up. It takes practice to learn to communicate better. Don't expect everything to be solved immediately, but keep at it and bit by bit you will start to see changes.

If your sex life has suffered:

Be very aware of you partner's feelings. Don't accuse - "You never spend long enough on foreplay." Try making gentle suggestions - "It feels so nice when you stroke me all over. I'd like you to do it for longer next time."
Don't feel you can only talk about sex when you're actually in bed. It can be easier to talk about it away from the scene of the action.
Get used to talking about sex in a more general way by watching TV programs about it together or cutting out magazine articles to show your partner.

Marriage 911 in the year 2011

2011-01-01T14:27:00.000-08:00

Is your marriage alive and well, or is it time to dial 911? Chances are the health of your relationship falls somewhere in the middle — slightly out of shape and tired. Unfortunately most of us tend to take the health of a marriage for granted. And we don’t realize how important a happy, healthy relationship is until it’s time for marital CPR.

Maintaining personal health requires work — exercise, good nutrition, rest and regular checkups. No one teaches us that the same kind of maintenance is also necessary in order to keep a marriage alive. Love between a parent and child is unconditional. Love between a husband and wife is not. As divorce statistics would indicate, an untended marriage falls apart too easily. The good news is that there are ways to make a marriage survive, and better yet, thrive.

Your Marital Diagnosis

There are warning signs or “symptoms” when your marriage is “under the weather.” Here are some key symptoms:

· feelings of chronic resentment toward your spouse
· lack of laughter between the two of you
· desire to spend free time with someone other than your mate
· too much time spent playing the “blame game”
· conversations between you are laced with bitterness and sarcasm

Relationship Revival Program

Do any of these symptoms sound familiar? If so, it’s time to revive your marriage by following this program.

· Make the marriage your priority, not an afterthought. Set aside regular time to be alone with your partner. If kids are in the picture, hunt for a “network” of trusted babysitters. If money is a concern, compare the cost of a night out with that of marital therapy or a divorce attorney! Get the drift? Start doing some of the things that used to bring you joy, and helped you to feel more connected. There are plenty of activities that you can do for free — a long walk, star gazing or window-shopping are all simple pleasures that can bring you closer together.
· Resuscitate your romance. Remember how the sparks flew when you first met? It’s probably not too late to rekindle the embers. Surprise your spouse with a homemade Valentine (any day of the year!) and a bottle of champagne. Light up the bedroom with candles, or put a love note in his briefcase. Last but not least, initiate lovemaking. Passion is the glue in a marriage — it helps you feel close to your mate, and makes getting through rough times a lot easier.
· Accept what you can’t change. Much marital strife is caused by the belief that you cannot be happy in your marriage as long as you must live with your partner’s bad habits or imperfections. Have you noticed that no matter how much you gripe and moan, these things don’t change? Rather than trying to control what you can’t, work around his quirks and focus on the positive. We all respond much better to praise than to criticism. And here’s the paradox: Sometimes when we stop fighting the way things are, they actually do change. No guarantees, but it’s worth a try.
· Be attractive, inside and out. “Married” doesn’t have to mean complacent. Continue to learn and experience new things, and share these with your partner. Eat right, exercise, rest and make the most of your appearance. Doing these things is taking good care of yourself, but it’s also a way of showing your mate that you want to be your best and share yourself with him.
· Improve communication and negotiation skills. Being a good listener is key to healthy communication. Even if you don’t agree with what he’s had to say, empathize with his position. This will open the door to more effective conflict resolution. If you must be critical, convert criticism into a request for behavioral change by stating it positively. Most important, apologize when you are wrong.

There are no marriages made in heaven. But by devoting time and energy to reviving your marriage, you’ll once again feel your relationship pulse beating strong and steady.

FAQ

2010-09-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

How do you know when a relationship is too difficult (and you should get out)?

Contrary to conventional wisdom, not all relationships can be saved. Relationships can only take a certain amount of neglect and abuse before they are too smashed to repair. One way to know if you’ve reached the end-of-the-line is if you are finding yourself doing all the work-- all the romancing, all the chasing – so that it feels like you might as well be having a relationship with yourself! If your relationship has become physically dangerous for you, if he is abusive or violent, then it is imperative that you take steps to get out. Beyond that, you need to honestly ask yourself if your partner is acting toward you in a scornful and disapproving way? Does he constantly and irrationally criticize everything you do? Does he absolutely refuse to talk about the problems in the relationship, and when you do bring them up, does he go on the defensive? These are the four warning signals you’re your relationship has gone beyond the point of no return.

What’s the # 1 thing couples don’t do but should?

Communicate in a way that gets you completely understood. Men can be pretty adept at talking about themselves and saying what’s on their mind, but are you really listening to your guy? Many women believe that they are good listeners just because they aren’t the ones doing the talking. The trick is to learn how to be an “active listener.” This means asking him questions about what he is saying, probing a bit, taking an interest in knowing more. In short, by taking the time each day to focus on your guy exclusively to make him feel like he is the one and only in your life, something quite unexpected will happen: he’ll feel comfortable enough to be able to open himself up and listen to you – really listen in a sharing way– to your experiences, feelings, and ideas. You’ll be surprised how intimacy blossoms when you take the time to truly focus on the man in your life in a genuine and sincere fashion.

Why are guys such tools (or is it us, too)?

Simply stated, a Tool is as a Tool does, and toolish behavior can be exhibited by anyone – male or female -- who indulges in excessive posturing, constant self-promotion, and is obstinately self-centered. Underneath all the swagger and flamboyant self-assurance is often a person who is compensating for feelings of low self-esteem, insecurity and a fear of intimacy. It’s just a last ditch effort to boost their fragile ego. But guys usually have more of a problem with intimacy and will act toolishly to avoid it. To see what I mean, next time an event associated with intimacy approaches, like a birthday or anniversary, make a mental note to watch how he acts. Does he inadvertently make conflicting plans? Is he late? Does he bring along his best friend or a family member? All his bravado is really just protective armor so that no one will discover the loser he secretly believes himself to be. Once you learn to recognize the signs and understand why your Tool is the way he is, you possess the key to unlocking a profound change in his behavior, transforming him from a perfect tool to a perfect partner.

Why do guys worry so much about losing their individuality?

To understand why guys get so freaked about perceived threats to their individuality is to simply swap the word ‘individuality’ with ‘manhood.’ The origin of this confusion goes back to childhood because young boys have to expend a lot of psychic energy breaking away from their mother’s affections so they can successfully inhabit their identity as a man. Being close to a woman can get mixed up in their minds with feelings of losing their masculinity. That’s why one of the keys to greater intimacy is to discover how to create an environment that permits your guy to be soft while at the same time being strong, to be intimate while at the same time self-assured in his masculinity. Even the most toolish of guys can be encouraged to express caring emotions and greater depths of intimacy if their partners know how to create an emotional zone of safety, which can often be as simple as giving him greater independence and freedom in the relationship. As you let out the leash, so he will feel the slack, turn around and come looking for you.

Trina's Top Tips

2010-09-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

1. How to depressurize sex?
If sex is a chore, or almost off the menu, or your guy wants it all the time…..then…
Negotiate a date and time with him when you will have sex, but only one time per week.
Tell him you will have sex at the agreed time but tell him he can’t have it any other time that week. He will back off pestering, if that’s what he is doing, safe in the knowledge he will definitely be getting it, and you can have a breather the rest of the week when you can enjoy his touching being sexy, knowing it’s not going anywhere.

2. How to spice up your sex life?
Less is more. To get you feeling like you really want him again and vice versa, tell him you’ll be his slave for a night. You will stroke him, massage him, kiss and tickle him, but erogenous zones are out of bounds…..and absolutely NO SEX!!
You will be SHOWING him how YOU would like to be touched and you'll get excitement back into your sex…… I am quite sure he will want to swap roles after you have teased him like this....shown him how to take his time.

3. How to tell if your guy is cheating?
If you ask the question, then more often than not he is! YOU KNOW! You can sense it. When there is a secret in a relationship it can be felt, so pull up your antennae and believe what your body is telling you.
If his behaviour is inappropriate, disproportunate or unrelated to what’s actually going on, then he is probably keeping a secret.
If he changes the way he looks, dresses, his habits, without talking about it with you…these are all tell tale signs.

4. How to keep your Tool faithful?
I know you may think that it would be all about beating the competition and it’s tough when temptation is everywhere….but let me tell you that you will keep him to yourself if you just LISTEN to him, ACT INTERESTED in what he has to say…..and maybe ACT will be what you have to do……..listening to his boring day, stuff you have heard over and over again, …..”Oh really darling? Is that so? How right you are…tell me more! OMG fascinating?? Say that again…” Listening to him gives him all the intimacy, security and the self esteem he needs from you, rather than allowing him look for it elsewhere. Infidelity is rarely about sex!

5. How to get over his cheating?
If you are trying to get over him cheating then you must rant and rave for quite some time….and directly at him!
Set up a half hour per week, where you will have his undivided attention and let rip…..ask questions, all the gory details, call him/her names…..get it off your chest! In return, you must agree that the cheating will not be brought up by either of you at any other time in the week. This way you can work through your hurt feelings, yet give the relationship a chance to heal.

6. How to make your guy drop his awful habits?
If there some things you absolutely loathe, that your guy does constantly, then try doing them yourself….
If he’s always late…. you be late.
He drinks too much……you overdo it the next few times you are out together.
He never makes a meal……….you stop cooking.
Nagging doesn’t work! This will!
You‘ll only have to do it a few times for him to 'get it' and change his ways.

Break the Sexual Stalemate

2010-08-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

Break the Sexual Stalemate - (from Retool your Relationship)

The first step to end your sexual stalemate is to take control. It’s an all-too-familiar standoff: you need intimacy for sex, and he needs sex for intimacy. In a sense, each of you wants the same thing, but because you are a woman and he is a man, each of you goes about getting it in ways that are ingrained in the psyche of your gender. You need more involvement, verbal reassurance, and tangible contact prior to having sex, while he needs sex before he can let down his guard and demonstrate his tender side.

Give and You’ll Get

There are other important differences between how men and women function psychologically, as well as biologically, that need to be addressed, and I’ll discuss them shortly. But right now, I want you to be aware that he probably wants to feel close and intimate (just as much as you do!), but his way of achieving it is through the physical act of sex. Although you may believe that withholding sex is a way to exert your power, by withholding sex you are actually working against yourself. By misapplying your sexual power in this way, you are in reality denying him the only pathway he has available to fulfill your needs for intimacy. This session will show you how to use your sexual power to achieve the intimacy you want by controlling your sexual currency. And, yes, you will be training him as well, so that he gives you the pleasure you’ve been missing.

It’s All about Chemistry

In order to have great sex, you’ll need a basic understanding of how men and women experience sex differently. Gender plays a huge role in the biology, as well as in the psychology, of sex. Research tells us that men generally have a higher sex drive. It’s a bit more complicated than the idea that men are simply horny all of the time and will take any and every opportunity to get off. That’s because testosterone is the hormone that’s largely responsible for a person’s sex drive, and typically, a man has twenty to forty times more of it coursing through his body than an average woman does. A women’s testosterone level (and other sex-enhancing hormones and hence her sex drive) fluctuates on a monthly basis, being dramatically affected by her monthly period, as well as by having children. A man’s testosterone level, on the other hand, stays pretty much the same throughout his adult life.

Another difference between the sexes is the way a man and a woman express their sex drive. Typically, men tend to behave more assertively than women when it comes to sex. Women are much more complex. Their sex drive is influenced not only by testosterone but also by the female hormone estrogen. Unlike the “assertive” inclinations generated by testosterone, estrogen is more “receptive.” There is a huge distinction between being passive and being receptive. High levels of estrogen enable women to be more approachable, open, friendly, sympathetic, and seductive—qualities that translate quite nicely and naturally into the bedroom. For men, sex can be just sex, while a woman may also want to use sex as a way to express intimacy or to please her partner.

In the early days of a relationship, both men and women tend to have much higher sex drives. Evolutionary psychologists suggest that this is important because nature dictates that one of our most primal instincts is the need to reproduce, so that the species has the best possible chance of survival. It’s called “pair bonding,” but over time the sex drive falls off—particularly for women. The result is that both men and women find themselves confused. Men feel betrayed and rejected by their former “sex-kitten” partners and are afraid that their partners’ declining desire for sex means that there is a problem in the relationship. Women wonder whether their diminishing sex drive means that they don’t love their partners as much as they used to. Yet in reality, these changes in desire are simply the natural course of events in any couple’s relationship.

INTIMACY

2010-08-07T11:09:00.000-07:00

Many people think that intimacy is the same as sex, but it’s much more than that. To be intimate is to allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person.

Sensuality is one way of being intimate. Sensuality is the ability to touch and feel very connected to one another, to hug, hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, to see and be willing to be seen, even to speak openly and to

be open to sensitive feelings. Sensuality may build toward sexual intimacy, or it may not. It is a satisfying end in itself—and it can lead to more satisfying sexual experiences.

Some people grew up in families that did not allow or encourage intimacy, touching or sensuality. They may not know how to allow themselves to be open and vulnerable with another person. Intimacy may feel uncomfortable, threatening or overwhelming.

Intimacy, sensuality and sexuality are forms of communication within a relationship. They offer a rich and many-layered vocabulary that can intensify the relationship, allow the individuals to thrive and continually renew the couple’s commitment to one another.

The internet and our relationship

2010-08-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

The internet and our relationship

Increasingly couples are citing the internet as a problem in their relationship.

Some signs that a partner may be in a relationship over the internet:

They are spending more and more time on the internet particularly in chat rooms and those to do with sex and sexuality
They try to hide information from you
They have difficulty in not logging on
They become distant, secretive or even critical of you

Some warning signs that you may be at risk of having an internet affair:

All of the above
You find yourself thinking about using the internet for purposes of making sexual contact
You find yourself talking with one or more individuals on a regular, or pre-arranged, basis
You make attempts to contact these individuals by other means
You become aroused by the contact you have on line - more than with your partner
You feel guilty about your online activities

Even though the relationship is termed "virtual", the sense that a partner is cheating on you is real and what's worse it can feel as if the 'other person' is under your roof - even if they are miles away.

The time spent on the internet is time spent away from the primary relationship, the intimacies that are shared with a virtual person don't get shared with a real partner and this leads to feelings of betrayal, rejection and worthlessness. It's not just partners that are neglected; children and friends also suffer to.

The person going online can feel they're escaping from real life problems but retreating into cyberspace only exacerbates what's happening in real life. Online relationships carry the danger of detaching you from reality - the virtual partner can become idealised, by comparison the real partner can look inferior. Unfortunately internet relationships can lead to break-ups and whilst some of these may've happened anyway, some are mistakes - leaving real partners for virtual partners whose online personas bear little relation to what they're really like.

It's not the internet that's to blame for the rise in break-ups and relationship problems caused by online affairs. As human beings we have choices - to engage in what technology has to offer, or not. Just because technology is offering you access that is affordable and provides you with anonymity, it will not reduce the trauma of a partner discovering what they are likely to feel is as much a betrayal as a real life affair.

Tips to try if you find yourself becoming involved online or suspect a partner is:

Consider what is going on in your primary relationship that is creating a need for cybersex
Talk to your partner about your concerns and feelings, the areas of your relationship that are no longer working for you
If you can't talk together then seek the assistance of a counsellor
The internet can be addictive, try taking a moratorium from the computer or internet

Why is my partner so annoying at times?

2010-08-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

Why is my partner so annoying at times?

We fall in love with someone, and imagine that now at last life will be full of peace, joy, companionship and hope. But after a while we often become aware that our partner seems to stand in the way of us achieving our own dreams of peace and fulfillment. We become angry with our partner, because we feel they aren’t able to provide what we expected of them, when we fell in love. And now we are committed to them – we can’t get those things from someone else either! They stand between us, and the life we dreamed of. That can make us very angry and frustrated.

Why doesn’t my partner love me a little better?

In our dreams, maybe we imagine the perfect partner to be the one who we fall in love with, and it carries on that way for ever. They understand us so well, they are there for us when we need them, saying the right words, providing the right support that we need. Perhaps in our dreams we don’t have those big arguments, or disappointments. It really is “happily ever after!”
Why couldn’t we find that perfect partner? Maybe we secretely long that our partner was a little bit quieter, or noisier. We wish they were more generous, or better with money! We wish they liked sex more, or left us alone occasionally. There’s a reason why we fall in love with the partner who doesn’t seem quite able to match our dreams. We see in them an ability to love us, in a way that we learned from people who loved us in our earliest years. We recognize that kind of ability to love in the partner we choose.
But however strongly we were loved, there was always a little bit of love we didn’t get. And it turns out that this partner we choose isn’t very good at providing that bit of love either, just like those who loved us when we were children. That bit of love we didn’t get as children often goes back to some painful memories from childhood. When our partner can’t love us that way either, it touches some tender spots inside, and can bring out some of our deepest fears that we may have tried for years to hide away.

How can I make things in my relationship better?

We seem to always choose a partner who isn’t very good at meeting some of our needs in life, even though there was something about them that caused us to fall head-over-heals in love with them. Wouldn’t it help if our partner really understood what is going on in our world. Maybe then they would stretch a little bit more towards us, and provide those needs. Maybe they would spend a little more time with us, or leave us alone a little more – or whatever it is that is important to our happiness. Some of the most important issues may seem small, but are actually loaded with emotions. They emerge time and time again at the very heart of all the big arguments we have. How can we talk about them in a way that doesn’t trigger yet another big argument? The first step towards a better relationship is to have a calm and effective way to talk about these big issues.

The Retool Your Relationship Workshop is a way to have a deep and rewarding conversation, that helps you and your partner really understand the issues that seem to recur in the heat of conflict.

How can we talk about difficult things? It often leads to an argument.

Do you ever find yourself getting a little tense before a “serious talk”. Is your partner once again going to tell you what you do wrong, and what you need to do right! What do they expect you to do? Maybe you will get angry and deny it all, and who can blame you! Or maybe you will sit through it feeling wretched and miserable, wondering how you can have been so unkind and uncaring.

It’s very hard to hear what your partner needs without some kind of reaction!

The Retool Your Relationship Workshop is a way to have those difficult conversations while feeling strong and loving for your partner’s sake. You can trust a process, that is safe, respectful, caring, and very interesting!
Imagine that you can take a holiday from being you for a moment. You can walk across a bridge to sit for a while in the land of your partner, as a welcome and valued guest. There, without judgment, you can learn about what it is to be them, what they need, and how you can help them, just by listening, and sharing their experience. And then they can do the same for you. It’s fascinating, to be able to learn so much about the person you love most in the world! One thing many of us learn when we do this, is how different our partner really is from us! The things they did never made sense before we really listened. They may have just seemed a little selfish, or irresponsible, or uncaring. But now when we really listen to them speak, we realize that to them, it all makes perfect sense in a way that is amazing! Our partner isn’t like us at all – how interesting.

Couples Therapy - Why? and How?

2010-07-31T18:53:00.000-07:00

Couples often come to therapy polarized by reactivity and power struggles that make them feel increasingly disconnected. Trapped in a stalemate that they are unable to change on their own, they invite the therapist into the intimacy of their struggles, hoping for a new direction. It is the work of the therapist to understand the complex interactions and experience of the couple caught up in stalemate or an 'impasse'. The therapist's approach helps to identify the couple's pattern and investigate and challenge emotional undercurrents that might be fueling and informing their dynamics. In working with couples' impasses in the here and now, the goal is to help the partners move from being reactive to being more able to discuss, and from a view of themselves as victim and villain to positions of increased responsibility and personal agency. The process of change is facilitated by awareness, behavioral changes and negotiations, and the creation of alternative scripts based on greater empathy and connectedness.

In the course of a life together, couples often deal with dilemmas in their relationship that spring from their differences or from situations in which their wishes and needs are not in sync. These quandaries may cause distress; they can even break up the relationship. In these situations, stressful as they may be, the partners often have a clear understanding of their issues and differences and are able to see each other's perspective, negotiate, and move on.

By contrast, many couples come to therapy feeling stuck, caught up in impasses that are characterized by intense reactivity and escalation, rigid positions of each partner, irrationality, and the repetitive recurrence of the same dynamics in the relationship. While caught up in one of these impasses, the partners are unable to empathize and see the other's perspective. They feel offended and violated by the other's behavior, and become increasingly defensive, disconnected, and entangled in power struggles and misunderstandings. These impasses involve vulnerability and confusion, and they tend to become more pervasive over time, taking up more and more space in the relationship.

Even when the presenting problem is a straightforward situational dilemma, a couple's differences sometimes derail into a core impasse in which their attempts to talk and negotiate with each other become part of the problem. In the therapist's view, a core impasse is experienced as such a difficult entanglement because it involves the activation of past hurts and survival strategies, which complicates the couple's process. This activation may include emotional overlaps of meanings between their present situation and experiences in the past, or between their present situation and a current painful experience of one or both partners in another context. Core impasses may also spring from tensions related to power inequities and disconnections based on gender or cultural differences.

Core impasses can serve as a gateway to the exploration and deconstruction of key dynamics in the couple's relationship. The very nature of the impasse--its thick texture of misunderstandings and entanglements, often based in the past history of the couple and of their prior relational experiences--yields rich potential for greater awareness and change. In identifying the impasse and coming to understand the various strands embedded in it, the couple and therapist have an opportunity to learn more about each partner and to transform the couple's core dilemmas.

In working with a couple in a core impasse, the overall goal is to help them move from highly reactive positions to more reflective ones, from automatic actions and reactions to greater differentiation, awareness, and flexibility. The term "reflectivity" refers to an individual's ability to pause and be thoughtful and planful before acting or communicating. In facilitating reflectivity, the therapist helps each partner to feel more empowered and empathic, and to have more options and choices in these critical moments of their interpersonal process.

Jealousy

2010-07-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Some simple but effective tips you can use if a current or prospective relationship partner suddenly succumbs to an attack of "The Green-Eyed Monster."

1. Be honest. If there is good reason for your partner to be jealous, it may be time for a heart-to-heart conversation about the future of the relationship.

2. Build self-confidence. It is important to recognize that expressions of jealousy may have nothing to do with you or your behavior. In situations where there is no factual basis for your partner to be jealous, the existence of jealous feelings suggests that your partner may be suffering from a lack of confidence. They may be insecure about some aspect of their own situation. Encourage your partner to spend time with friends and family who think they are great, or to master something new.

3. Gain independence. Jealousy also can occur when partners are too dependent on the relationship to determine how they feel about themselves and their self-worth. Persuade them to try to gain some independence from you and the relationship. The more their definition of self is tied to their own accomplishments and experiences apart from the relationship, the less jealousy. This may have been the case with Jake and Vienna, (from the reality TV series The Bachelor) whose relationship appears to have been further complicated by a fairly strong dose of another emotion: professional envy. Envy, as Jake and Vienna discovered, can be equally as destructive to relationships as the two forms of jealousy.

4. Listen carefully. Don't dismiss your partner's feelings and fears. It probably wasn't easy for your partner to fess up and express his or her concerns or worries. It often makes a person feel vulnerable and not in control. We all have those moments. If you can, try to understand, empathize and listen. If jealousy emerges during the early stages of a relationship that you care to preserve, it is okay to be there to support your partner as he or she gets to the bottom of what is behind these feelings of jealousy. At the same time, the changes that need to occur must be from within that person.

5. Seek assistance. Insecurity may be easily cured when it is largely "cosmetic" in nature. (If, for example, your female partner says she would feel more attractive if she lost a few pounds.) However, some expressions of jealousy, such as those that result in inappropriate behaviors, may be a sign of deeper-seated insecurities that are best resolved with the help of a professional.

Jealousy tends to destroy the foundation on which healthy relationships are formed. It is important to remember that strong foundations are not built overnight - or even during the course of a television season! That's one important reality Jake and Vienna may have missed.

Your Sex Cycle

2010-07-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

Your Sex Cycle - Desire in Women

If you are having problems with sex or are not having much of it, it is nearly impossible to jump-start the process by hopping into bed and being a willing partner.

As you would expect, a women’s sex cycle operates differently from a man’s, given the differences in their biological chemistry. Both sexes share the sex cycle’s five stages: desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. But for women, the phases of the cycle vary much more dramatically in duration and intensity. And your individual five-phase cycle is unique to you and you alone. Each of these phases needs to be completed before you move onto the next, for you to have satisfying sex.

The sex cycle begins with desire. Desire is one of the most important aspects of successful lovemaking because it gets things moving. Without desire, sex can be unpleasant or may simply not happen at all. In the beginning of the relationship, romantic love triggers the necessary chemistry for desire, so that sex is plentiful and pleasurable. But once the illusion of romantic love wears off and other emotions begin to surface, desire can fade or be increasingly intermittent, with the collateral damage being the diminishing quality of your lovemaking.

Men can jump the desire phase altogether and become physically aroused and primed for the plateau period very quickly. They have a very obvious anatomical barometer right in front of them to signal whether they are ready for sex. They are more easily aroused by visual stimuli (the sight of your body), as well as by sounds, smells, and even memories.

Most women, however, require a more prolonged state of desire for successful sex. But true desire is a fragile commodity. Resentment, fatigue, stress—there are many internal feelings and external circumstances that can have a harmful effect on your sex cycle so that the fuse of desire never gets lit. You need to feel warm, relaxed, playful, a bit vulnerable, trusting, and sensitive—all of the things that you may feel have vanished in the current state of your relationship. So it’s no wonder that sex has been a problem.

It’s a vicious cycle. If you could manage to have sex more regularly, then feelings of intimacy would be more accessible, because your man is getting what he needs to be intimate with you. If the cycle breaks down, it becomes increasingly more difficult to kick-start it again. For example, after a few sessions in which your arousal stage is not achieved, when the next opportunity for sex presents itself, you are less likely to be inclined to start the process. Sex becomes a “no go” zone for couples who let the situation languish. You will want to avoid sex because you know where it is heading: frustration at not feeling aroused, feeling that your needs are being ignored, being left behind and maybe difficulty reaching an orgasm.

Intimacy

2010-07-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

Many people think that intimacy is the same as sex, but it’s much more than that. To be intimate is to allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person.

be open to sensitive feelings. Sensuality may build toward sexual intimacy, or it may not. It is a satisfying end in itself—and it can lead to more satisfying sexual experiences.

What are the warning signs of an abuser?

2010-06-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

The warning signs listed below should make you wary but rather than focusing on single acts, look for patterns of behaviour that show control, restriction and disrespect. No-one should be frightened of their partner or prevented from making choices about their life.

Remember also that abusers are often very charming and convincing to everyone - including their partners, until the abuse starts - and then they often continue to be very charming to everyone else except their partner.

This often has the effect of making their partner think 'oh it must be me, it must be my fault', especially since the abuser is usually telling them it is. It can also make them feel awkward about telling other people because they won't seem plausible because they only know their 'nice' side.

The single biggest warning sign is:

If they've been in a violent relationship before. Abusive people rarely change.

Don't make the mistake of thinking 'it will be different with me - they didn't treat them right'. It's also worth remembering that almost without exception, every abuser claims that they were really the victim.

Other possible warning signs are:

They put your friends down and / or make it difficult for you to see them.

They lose their temper over trivial things.

They have very rigid ideas about the roles of men and women and can't / won't discuss it reasonably.

Their mood swings are so erratic that you find yourself constantly trying to assess their mood and only think in terms of their needs. A healthy relationship has give and take.

It's difficult for you to get emotional or physical space away from them - even if you directly ask for it. And if you do get it, they 'grill' you about where you've been and who you were with.

They criticise you all the time - about your weight, your hair, your clothes, etc.

They make all the decisions in your relationship and ignore your needs or dismisses them as unimportant.

If after reading this you think that you are, or might be, in an abusive relationship, this is a number and organisation to call:-

1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
ANONYMOUS & CONFIDENTIAL HELP 24/7

http://www.ndvh.org/

Questions to ask before Marriage

2010-06-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

Getting married is a huge step, so it's worth making sure you and your partner are thinking along the same lines before you tie the knot.

1. Do we love, trust and respect each other?

2. Do we share the same expectations of marriage?

3. Do we share things in common that make us shout, cry and laugh?

4. Do we agree on major life issues, such as children, family and friends, where we'll liveand style of living?

5. Do we have a way of managing conflict?

6. Do we share the same views on infidelity and commitment to avoiding temptation?

7. Do we love each other just the way we are today, without any hidden agenda to try to change the other?

You don't have to agree on everything. The important thing is that you and your partner have talked through these questions and both feel confident you can live and work together, knowing what the other believes.

Why marry?

Although living together is now acceptable, 60 per cent of cohabiting couples still get married after a few years.

Good reasons to marry

Because you're in love. Although love shouldn't be the only reason to marry, it's an important ingredient in the most successful relationships.
To make a commitment. You've decided that you want to be together forever, knowing each other's faults and failings.
It's part of your culture. The ceremony of marriage is an integral part of your cultural or religious beliefs and an essential part of your core value system.
To start a family. You've both enjoyed a secure and committed relationship for some time and feel marriage is the best environment in which to bring up children.
To celebrate. Because you want your family and friends to share with you in your happiness and commitment as a couple.
It's the right time. You have a solid and secure relationship and it feels like the logical next step.
Bad reasons to marry

To make your relationship secure. If your relationship isn't secure before you marry, there's no reason to think it will be afterwards. It may be harder for you to separate after marriage, but that doesn't mean you'll be happy.

Fear of being alone. Some people marry because they're scared that no one else will have them. Remember, it's better to be left on the shelf than spend your whole life in the wrong cupboard.

For the children. It's true that, on the whole, children benefit from living with two parents, but marrying purely for your child is unlikely to create a happy home environment.

You want a big wedding. The big white wedding may seem like a fairy tale come true, but it only lasts a day. Marriage is (supposed to be) for life.

To recover from divorce. Some people want a second marriage to help them to get over the first - to prove that they're OK. But those feelings must come from within.

You may have many more reasons why you want to marry. The most important thing is that you and your partner have fully discussed your reasons and that you're both confident you share the same motivation and intentions.

Fears and expectations

As well as looking at your reasons for getting married it's important to look at what you expect from married life. Some people blame current divorce rates on the fact that people expect too much from marriage, but this isn't necessarily the case.

As long as you both share the same expectations, you can work together to achieve them. But if you both expect different things, one of you will always be disappointed.

Your expectations and fears may be influenced by many things, including experiences of friends, previous relationships and media images. But one of the most powerful influences will be your family.

As small children we learn about relationships by watching our parents. These messages often sink deep into our unconscious mind, waiting to pop up when we become wives or husbands ourselves.

It's perfectly natural to have doubts and fears about getting married - it's one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives. But as long as you and your partner can openly share your feelings, support and reassure each other, chances are you're on the right track.

Dear Trina....

2010-06-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

If you have a relationship problem, question or something you would like me to answer, comment on or share.....please leave your dilemmas or questions below, and I will respond.

Long-distance relationships

2010-06-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - or so the saying goes. But what if the time away is prolonged, or one partner is more relaxed about the situation?

Different views of distance

How couples cope with being apart largely depends on how they feel about the separation. Here are some common interpretations:

What's the big deal? - if you were brought up in a family where absence was the norm, it may be that periods apart are no problem.

It's the thin end of the wedge - perhaps in your past someone left saying it was temporary, but didn't come back. You may see a period of separation as the beginning of the end.

If you loved me, you'd stay - love is linked to being physically near and any threat to that is also a threat to your emotional security.

But it's not for long - it might be your nature to look at life in the long term and see a bigger picture and, therefore, you may find it easier than your partner to see this as a temporary phase of your relationship.

It's just not right - if your parents were together nearly all the time, then absence may simply be beyond your experience. Being a couple means being together.

On top of your personal interpretations of the absence, each of you will have a different perspective depending on whether you're the one leaving or staying.

Away from home

If you're the one who's going away, you have the advantage of experiencing new scenery, a new job and new people, perhaps. The disadvantages, of course, are missing your home and the company of friends and family. And although there may be many new experiences, you'll have to deal with the loneliness of having no partner with you to share them. People away from home often find their emotions swing between heights of excitement and depths of longing.

Left at home

If you're the partner who's staying at home, you have the advantage of familiar surroundings and, hopefully, the support of friends and family. The downside of this is that you may feel abandoned and trapped. There are also few new experiences for you, just the humdrum of daily life and the loneliness of having to get on with it on your own.

Making it work

The key to making long-distance relationships work is to talk honestly and openly about how you feel. Couples often fall into one of the following traps:

Let's pretend it's OK - if asked how you are, you both say "I'm OK, everything's fine." Underneath you're both lonely, but are too scared to say in case the other person doesn't understand.

It's all right for you - you try to be nice when you talk, but the resentment slips out. You're both convinced your partner's having an easier time of it than you. Underneath you both want reassurance, but fear you'll be rejected.

Be honest

Share your feelings about the separation - both the positives and the negatives. This will give you the opportunity to really understand each other and give the support and reassurance you both need.

Talk about your resentment at the situation rather than at each other and look forward to the time when you're next together.

Keep communicating

Staying in touch regularly is the key to surviving a long-distance relationship.

Use a variety of ways of communicating - email, telephone, text message, letter, etc.
Send little gifts - to show how often you think of each other.
Make some surprise calls - make the odd call just to say "I love you."
Send regular pictures - this will help your partner keep a visual record of what you're up to.
Keep a diary - then share it with your partner each time you meet.

Beware the reunion anticlimax

When you get to see each other again, chances are both of you will have built up great expectations of how fantastic your reunion is going to be. However, the reality often doesn't match up to the fantasy.

Many couples feel disappointed and frustrated when things aren't as they'd hoped. You may also find that rather than making love all day there are awkward silences or even arguments.

You can prevent this by making sure you've talked about how you want the reunion to be and recognising that the anticipation is often better than the consummation! And remember, it may take time to get used to being around each other again.

Absence can make the heart grow fonder when you use the time to show your partner how much they mean to you.

The internet and your relationship

2010-06-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

The internet and your relationship

Increasingly couples are citing the internet as a problem in their relationship.

Some signs that a partner may be in a relationship over the internet:

They are spending more and more time on the internet particularly in chat rooms and those to do with sex and sexuality
They try to hide information from you
They have difficulty in not logging on
They become distant, secretive or even critical of you
Some warning signs that you may be at risk of having an internet affair:

You find yourself thinking about using the internet for purposes of making sexual contact
You find yourself talking with one or more individuals on a regular, or pre-arranged, basis
You make attempts to contact these individuals by other means
You become aroused by the contact you have on line - more than with your partner
You feel guilty about your online activities

Tips to try if you find yourself becoming involved online or suspect a partner is:

Consider what is going on in your primary relationship that is creating a need for cybersex
Talk to your partner about your concerns and feelings, the areas of your relationship that are no longer working for you
If you can't talk together then seek the assistance of a counsellor
The internet can be addictive, try taking a moratorium from the computer or internet

It isn't all doom and gloom though, the internet can provide an invaluable way for couples to stay in touch. Some couples who are separated through work, those in the forces for example, find the emails a great a way of maintaining their relationship. It also helps children to keep in touch with an absent parent. The bottom line is personal responsibility.

Understanding Jealousy

2010-06-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

Understanding jealousy

Occasional jealousy is natural and can help keep a relationship alive, but if it becomes intense and irrational it can very destructive.

What is jealousy?

We've all experienced jealousy at some time in our lives, although the reasons why each of us gets jealous and the emotions we feel may differ.

According to clinical psychologist Ayala Malach Pines, "jealousy is a complex reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship or to its quality". Unlike envy, it always involves a fear of loss and three people.

Jealousy is a "complex reaction" because it involves such a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviours.

Emotions - pain, anger, rage, sadness, envy, fear, grief, humiliation.
Thoughts - resentment, blame, comparison with the rival, worry about image, self-pity.
Behaviours - feeling faint, trembling and sweating, constant questioning and seeking reassurance, aggressive actions, even violence.

How jealousy protects love

In relationships where feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional, it reminds the couple not to take each other for granted. It can encourage couples to appreciate each other and make a conscious effort to make sure the other person feels valued.

Jealousy heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate. In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship. But when it's intense or irrational, the story is very different.

How jealousy damages love

Sometimes jealous feelings can get out of proportion. For example, when a man makes an embarrassing scene at a party because his wife accepts an invitation to dance with an old friend, or when a woman is overwhelmed with jealousy because her husband's company appoints a female boss.

These kinds of reaction can put a huge strain on a relationship, leaving the other partner feeling as though they're constantly walking on eggshells to avoid a jealous reaction. The jealous partner, often aware of their problem, swings between self-blame and justification.

If you're the jealous one

Overcoming jealousy takes patience and hard work. If you feel your jealousy stems from issues in childhood, you may find counselling useful. If you're recovering from an affair, you'll need to deal with those issues first.

Here are some things you can do for yourself:

Give yourself a reality check - take a good look at those things that trigger your jealousy and ask yourself how realistic the threat is. What evidence do you have that your relationship is in danger? And is your behaviour actually making the situation worse?

Use positive self-talk - when you start feeling the twinges of jealousy, remind yourself that your partner loves you, is committed to you and respects you. Tell yourself you're a loveable person and that nothing's going on.

Seek reassurance - one of the best ways to beat jealousy is to ask your partner for reassurance. Make sure you don't nag or bully, but rather share your insecurities and ask them to help you overcome the problem.

Living with a jealous partner

Having a jealous partner can be exhausting. Here are some ideas that may help ease their jealousy:

Think of the problem in a different way - remember that jealousy is a sign of love. If your partner didn't value your relationship, you wouldn't be having this problem. Rather than becoming defensive, try to be understanding and supportive.

Check your behaviour - if you know that certain behaviours trigger your partner's jealousy, change them if you can if only until the problem has been overcome. Be sure to stick to any agreements you've made, too, but avoid making promises you'll find difficult to keep, such as always being contactable.

Build your partner's confidence - be sure to take every opportunity to tell your partner how much you love them and why you wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Give lots of compliments and talk about the wonderful future you're looking forward to spending with them.

Further help

Occasional jealousy is natural and can keep a relationship alive, but when it becomes intense or irrational it can seriously damage a relationship.

If you have concerns, try talking it through with your partner or a trusted friend. Or, you might want to consider seeing a counsellor.

www.family-marriage-counseling.com

www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com

www.aamft.org

Ways to make peace

2010-06-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

The next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, keep in mind the following tips....

Abnormal behaviour

It's important to accept that arguments are a normal part of relationships. We're all different and where there's difference, there will be disagreement. But when arguing seems to be a way of life and leaves you feeling exhausted, hurt or wondering if you want to stay in the relationship, it's time to call a truce and sort things out.

The first step towards doing this is to understand what you're really arguing about and get an insight into your conflict style. After you've looked at both these areas, you can use some of the techniques below to help you sort things out. Some can be done alone; others need your partner's cooperation.

If there's violence

Violence or threats of violence are never acceptable in a relationship. If arguments are always aggressive, or you avoid conflict because you're scared things may get out of control, you need support. 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) http://www.ndvh.org/

Be self-aware

Self-awareness and self-responsibility are the first steps in sorting out and avoiding conflict. It's impossible to make your partner change, but if you change your behaviour they'll almost certainly react differently.

Assume the best - unless you have evidence to the contrary, always give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

Check your conscience - are you arguing because there's something you're avoiding, such as apologising, compromising or forgiving? Make sure you're not fighting to protect your pride.

Think about whether you're being affected by something else - don't underestimate the power of external circumstances. Are you stressed, tired, hormonal or angry about something else?

Be adult - do you tend to slip into behaving like a child, sulking, blaming or being obstinate? Or do you become like a critical parent, condescending, criticising or punishing? An adult is calm and focused, and listens and negotiates.

Own your feelings - your partner can't make you feel something. Your feelings are under your own control. If you're angry, say "I'm angry because...", not "You made me angry."

Improve communication

Good communication is vital to making peace. Often arguments go on and on, just because one or both parties feel they haven't been heard.

The tips below will improve your chances of being heard and help you show your partner that you're listening to them.

Listen - this is the most important part of good communication. Listen to your partner, without judging or making assumptions.

Explore - ask questions to make sure you really understand what your partner is saying. Be willing to look at every angle.

Explain - this is the other side of exploring. Be ready to give as much information as your partner needs to understand your point of view. Don't expect them to read your mind.

Empathise - put yourself in your partner's shoes. Feel what they're feeling and let them know you've taken notice, eg "I understand that you're feeling upset."

Express - say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear and to the point.

Laugh - this may seem a strange thing to put in an argument, but sensitive use of humour can be a powerful way to diffuse an argument. If there's a lighter side, use it.

Manage your anger

This is vital: anger can be a positive emotion that helps us get our needs met, but if anger gets out of control it blocks any chances of reaching an agreement. It's impossible to have a proper discussion with someone who has lost their temper. If either of you feels very angry, stop your discussion or the row will almost certainly get worse.

Joint techniques

The best peacemaking tactics are ones you've agreed on beforehand.

Big Brother - pretend your argument is being observed by someone who's opinion you value. You'll be amazed at how polite and reasonable you'll both become.

Use code words - agree a word to use when either of you feels it's getting too emotional or you're just going round in circles. Then take some time out before you start again.

Agree to disagree - sometimes it's simpler. Not all battles need a winner and a loser.

Argue productively - print out the productive arguing guidelines. Put them somewhere you can see them and both try to stick to them.

Take turns - if you don't feel you're getting equal air-time, agree to take turns. Use a watch to time alternate five to ten minute slots until your communication has improved.

Further help

If you have concerns about your relationship, try talking it through with your partner or a trusted friend, or you might want to consider seeing a relationships counsellor.

www.family-marriage-counseling.com

www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com

www.aamft.org

What you Learn about Relationships during Childhood

2010-06-12T15:24:00.000-07:00

The first significant relationships we have are usually within our families. By seeing how people relate to you and to each other, you begin to piece together a story of what relationships are all about.

As a child, you receive a variety of unconscious messages which you carry with you into later life. Broadly speaking, these messages fall into the following key areas.

Messages about trust

Are you the jealous type? Do you feel easily rejected? Do you struggle to make a commitment? Many such issues can be traced back to childhood.

If you came from a family in which you felt safe and secure, you'll probably find it easy to trust people as an adult. However, if you felt rejected, or lost someone close to you, you may find it harder to believe that others will love you and treat you well.

The ability to trust is very important in adult relationships. If things have happened in your past that have damaged your trust, you may find you need the understanding support of your partner to rebuild your faith in others.

Messages about communicating

If you find it easy to show your emotions, chances are you were brought up in a home where you were encouraged to be open about how you felt. You probably saw other people arguing - and saw them make up, too.

This taught you that conflict isn't the end of the world and communicating is a way of making life better.

The healthiest relationships are those where individuals can express themselves honestly and appropriately. It can be just as damaging to grow up in a family where disputes are ignored as it is to grow up in an angry hot-house.

Messages about authority and control

When adults grow up finding it difficult to cope with sharing or competition, often the root of the problem is a family where authority and control were badly managed.

If you learnt as a child that sharing was fun, you'll become an adult who enjoys sharing. If you grew up understanding that certain rules were in your best interests, you're less likely to have problems with authority.

We all need to feel we have control over our lives, and a child who's given responsibility from an early age is more likely to grow up feeling self-confident about the decisions they make - and the mistakes.

Learning throughout life

As well as these key relationship areas, we learn what being a couple is about from watching our parents. Even if you were raised in a single-parent family, you'll have learnt from the relationships your parent was in, or developed expectations about what being alone is like.

Whatever your situation, you'll have picked up important messages about:

How much time couples should spend together and what they do together
How couples sort out disagreements and what sort of things they disagree about
How much affection they show each other and when and where can this be done
Things which men are better at than women and vice versa
Who's in charge of earning the money and who's in charge of spending it
Who has the final word when making decisions
Who's in charge of the house and home and who does what chores
What sex is all about
What men and women do when they're not with each other
How men and women behave differently when they're angry or sad
Who does what when something sad happens
How to celebrate special occasions
What men and women do that makes each other sad and happy
Whether it's better to be in a couple than to be single

Remember, it's never too late to learn. Whatever messages you may have picked up, it's up to you to decide if you agree with them or not. And if you don't agree, you can develop new messages over time.

The Secrets of Successful Relationships

2010-06-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

The secrets of successful relationships

Every relationship needs a solid foundation if it's to survive all life can throw at it.

1. Love yourself

Unless you love yourself, it's hard for you to believe that anyone else will.

Self-esteem is important for a healthy relationship. When you truly like yourself, in spite of any failings and weaknesses you may have, you'll feel confident. And when you feel confident and secure within yourself, you can enjoy being with your partner for the joy they bring to your life, not because you feel you need them to survive.

If you've had bad experiences in the past, it's worth working through these issues with a trusted friend or counsellor. It can be tempting to lean on your partner and rely on them for reassurance, but the stronger you are as an individual, the stronger and more equal your relationship will be.

2. Like your partner

Healthy relationships happen between two people who really like each other. It may be more romantic to talk about love, but it's important to remember that love is an emotion that comes and goes.

If you genuinely like each other, enjoy being together, agree with how each other thinks and behaves, and share the same dreams in life, then loving feelings will never be too far away.

It's important to tell your partner you like them, too. Warm words of encouragement and support build trust and respect. Add the odd compliment as well and you'll be helping to boost their self-esteem.

3. Make quality time

The importance of things can be measured by the amount of time we're willing to give them. When a couple first gets together, they instinctively prioritise their relationship. But as time goes by and life gets busier with work and children, time together often slips down the list of priorities.

If you don't spend regular quality time together, chances are you'll drift apart. Making such time for each other may mean sacrificing other activities, but remember it's an investment in your future happiness.

4. Communicate

Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship. It's the only way you can tell your partner who you are, what you want and why you behave the way you do. Talking is the way we let each other into our private worlds.

Communicating better is about learning to say openly and honestly exactly what you think and feel. It also means listening to your partner without judgement.

5. Argue well

It's important to accept that arguments are a normal part of a relationship. We're all unique and so we're bound to have our differences.

Couples who argue well don't have to worry about not always agreeing. A good argument is an opportunity to share your feelings and strengthen your bond by reaching a decision you're both happy with. It can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings you closer together.

6. Touch every day

Touching is a vital human need. Studies have shown that without touching, many animals - including humans - will die in childhood. Being caressed also lowers blood pressure and releases natural opiates in the brain, as well as the chemical oxytocin, which is essential for human pair-bonding.

Touch has the power to comfort and support, to protect and encourage, to relax and, of course, to arouse. Every couple knows their sex life may have dry periods, but our need for physical affection never changes.

7. Accept change

People change over the years and it's these changes that can keep a relationship alive. Life changes too - and not always in ways that we want.

Change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy, but it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe.

In successful relationships, couples learn to adapt and change together. They accept that change is an inevitable part of human life and support each other, for better for worse.

Keeping all seven principles going isn't easy, but the more you can manage on a regular basis, the stronger your relationships will be.

Angelo and Jacob Fight

2010-06-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

Angelo and Jacob Fight: "Can these Tools keep their hands to themselves?"

Your Couple Fit

2010-06-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

In some relationships, arguments always seem one sided - with one partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It's possible they both have a problem expressing their feelings, but together they're able to reassure each other that emotions are being managed. Different couples will experience it in different ways, but that inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when you're together is what Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship psychotherapy, called the 'unconscious fit'.

Unconscious fit

All of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details about our life experiences and the marks they've left. It contains information we often haven't acknowledged about our fears and anxieties and our coping mechanisms and defences.

Each of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person's blueprint. The people we're most attracted to are those who have a blueprint that complements our own. We're looking for similarities of experience but, more significantly, we're also looking for differences.

Opposites attract

The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement our experiences. That might be someone who's the same as us, but most commonly we're looking for someone from whom we can learn; someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own.

The ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar life issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems that our other half is often our best chance of becoming psychologically whole.

Although no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have noticed that there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you recognise any of these?

Master and slave - this couple has a problem with authority and control. One partner may feel very insecure if they're ever subordinate, so they're bossy and take charge of every household circumstance. Their partner, who fears responsibility, dutifully toes the line while smugly comparing what they describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner's control-freak attitude.

Distancer and pursuer - both partners are afraid of intimacy but have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away. Occasionally the chase will swap round.

Idol and worshipper - when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.

There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.

Babes in the wood - you may have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear matching sweaters. They share the same interests and, more importantly, they dislike the same things. They keep anything bad out of their perfect relationship by joining forces against the big, bad world outside.

Cat and dog - on the surface these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone.

You may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As we progress through our relationships, it's not uncommon to slip into a certain pattern of behaviour. For example, in a time of illness and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child.

Good or bad chemistry?

All fits serve a psychological purpose designed to protect ourselves from discomfort. Most couples aren't aware of their fit until something happens to change it. We all grow and mature, our needs change and our relationships need to adapt to those changes.

Problems may start when one or both partners feell they are no longer able to communicate their feelings and alter patterns of behaviour that are now outdated. If you think that may be happening in your relationship, see When you first met.